12/6/2024

Diary of Winnie Park

Today was… rough. I’m not so sure if choosing pediatric oncology nursing was such a great idea anymore. The pay was great and as morbid as it sounds the patients were just about the sweetest people you could ever meet. After today though, i’m not so sure i’m cut out for this job.

I can’t believe i even have to write this but Ollie Turner, that sweet little six year-old boy with a tumor, died. He had a disease that was caused by something called a Central Nervous System Atypical Teratoid/Rhabdoid tumor. It was growing on his spinal cord so almost all his automatic functions like movement, heartrate, breathing, and talking were affected by it.

It was awful to watch, especially for a kid so young. He was so sweet, but he couldnt stand the sight of a syringe, i remember once he got so scared he threw up.

I think half the hospital is in shock from his death. He had to go to so many different departments for testing and treatment. I don’t think we should be as surprised as we are though. His cancer had already spread so far by the time he got diagnosed, i don’t know if it was possible for him to survive.

I still feel awful about it though. I can’t just let go of a person i’ve grown this close to. Ollie spent a lot of time these past few months in the hospital for treatment, so i got to know him well. He said he wanted to be a nurse like me when he grew up, so he could help people too.

And then today, i had to be in the room when his heartbeat stopped. I don’t know if he looked scared exactly, just… lost. He looked lost. He looked as if he hadn’t even considered the possibility that he might die. As if it hadn’t occured that not all stories get happy endings. Of course he didn’t know that, he was 6. His story should’ve ended happily. The last time i saw him should’ve been walking away from the hospital, not going down to the morgue.

I should never have started this job. I just can’t take remembering the look on his face. The sadness in his parents eyes. I think i’ll move back home to be around family again, if anything were to happen to me like that… i’d want to have my family around. I’m not sure what i’ll do, but maybe if i get away, back home, i’ll feel safer. Maybe i’ll stop having the mightmares too.