I waited for hours that day. Hours and hours, looking out at the sunset waiting for you to show up, and praying that you didn’t.

I felt like an outcast, while I was alone with my thoughts in that uneasy silence. I rather it had been filled with your mumbling, but then again, I knew if you were there I would never forgive myself.

I don’t think I ever have, anyway- forgiven myself. I never deserved to live after what I did to you; what I told you. I probably should have been the one that dived off that roof.

But I’m an ignorant fool who’s too full of himself to die. I can’t even die for you. Pathetic.

I waited until the sun died out like the ashy cigarettes of the friends whom I abandoned, and rightfully so. I don’t know what they went on to do without me. Did they still harass you; hurt you? I should kill those assholes. They deserve life just as much as I don’t.

But it wasn’t just then. I waited for dusk to dawn every single day. On the weekends, too. I didn’t want you to change your mind one day. I had to be there to save you; it was the least I could do. Maybe it was comforting to me in a way, to feel useful to you. Or maybe I was just at peace in the place I knew I deserved to be.

My parents were always pissed, screaming at me every day when I came home late in the night. I hardly talked to them then, just droned along as they yelled at air. Well, my mother did anyway. My father usually just sat quietly, looking stressed and pensive, wanting to reach out but too mute in some way. I felt bad for them, but not as much as I felt horrible for you.

Once we graduated that year; graduated middle school, I stopped coming to that rooftop. I taught myself that you were strong enough to live without my help; that I’m not as important or controlling over you as I thought. My words didn’t have influence over your actions, in the end. You didn’t go to that rooftop once. It made me realize I was the idiot. I was the one who told myself to go to that rooftop every day. And every day, I subconsciously dared myself to jump, just like I told you to do. I’m my own villain, without even realizing it. But I rather it be me than you. I was releaved at that revelation, no matter how ego-bruising. I didn’t mind that I couldn’t control you, because that meant you were safe.

And that’s all I’ve ever wanted; for you to be safe.