Driving, I was nervous. This wasn’t going to be easy at all.

In fact, I had been putting this off for far too long. I just hadn’t ever had the balls to come and say what needed to be said; to do what I had procrastinated for too much time. It only made it that much harder.

I pulled through the gates and drove along the winding road through grassy, tree lined hills. Finally pulling up, I gripped the steering wheel and pulled on my reserves of courage. The ones I had been saving up by not doing this for years.

I looked out the window and started to hyperventilate a little. This was so difficult for me. I turned and reached for the flask I had put in the glovebox just in case. Taking a quick pull I wheezed and coughed as it burned down my throat. God, now I remembered why I never drank.

I got out of the car slowly and walked over to the black, wrought bench and sat down.

“It’s time I get some things off of my chest,” I practiced.

“And this time you’ll have to listen to me.”

Yup. I could do this.

I got up and began my condemned man’s walk to where she waited; shoulders down and head drooping. A shuffling, tortuous pace.

Finally I stopped.

“Hello.”

“It’s been a while. I know. I know. I said I wouldn’t stay away and would visit more often. But it’s so difficult. It hurts. You always remind me of everything I didn’t do. And all the things I DID do but not good enough.”

Breathe I told myself.

“I know you don’t do that on purpose. It just happens. The boys are fine. Jessup is focused on his basketball. And he’s talking more. And Marco is actually passing in all of his classes. This year he’s finally focused on his studies and not just on twitch and games.”

“It hasn’t been easy. I never feel like I’m doing it right.”

Another pause as I work up to my real speech.

“Do you know I think I can burn water? Jess finally started helping with the cooking since all I could make without screwing it up was pb&j.”

I turned and walked a few steps away. Looking up into the trees I closed my eyes and gritted.

I spun; threw out my and pointed accusingly, melodramatically.

“You shouldn’t have gone when you did. I told you Bri. We needed you. You were our rock and the one that steadied the boat. Schedules and dinners and driving and picking up and all the little things that are glue. It was you. You don’t just get to disappear from all that and then still condemn me.”

“Agghhh!!! It makes me so mad. Bri you just make me mad and then now you are silent. Accusing. Like it’s my fault. But it isn’t! I’m doing everything I can and I can’t keep going on with this judgement hanging over me. It’s through. I’m through.”

I was getting worked up. Ready to really lay into her.

But then I looked down.

“Bri, you said it was forever. We were forever. I need you now more than I ever have and it’s just not working. I keep reaching for that place. And it’s cold and it hurts.”

Phew I breathed out. Almost through.

“It’s empty and I can’t keep being empty. I love you. I’m leaving. I’m taking the boys and moving back to be near my family. What little there is left.”

“I’m starting over. I’ve got a job lined up and I think it will be good for the boys to have a fresh start.”

I looked at her.

“Don’t be that way.”

I grimaced as a pain gripped my heart.

“You knew this was coming and so did I.”

I reached out and placed my hand on the head of the angel standing guard. Reading the words there:

Brianna Jolene Mikkelson

August 13, 1987 - December 22, 2020

Beloved wife, mother and daughter. Loved like no other. Our heart goes with you. You will be missed. Rest in peace.

“I love you but I am moving on. My heart must find rest and I know that I must let you have your peace.”

I kissed her stone and cried. Wept as a torrent of emotions that had festered and swirled within me found release. Wanting to hold on, to lay there and sink into the soil and be with her forever.

Spent, I got to my knees. With one last wracking breath I climbed to my feet.

“I miss you. But I promise the boys and I will be fine.”

I leaned down and kissed her stone one last time then turned and slowly walked away.