My head lies in my hands

Sitting, knees up

Curled into myself

If I stand, I’ll collapse

I still can’t believe it

How did this happen?

I didn’t see the signs

I had no warning

He just cut it off

Just like that

Cut off everyone

& now I’m left in the ruins of it all

In the aftermath

I still don’t understand

Nowhere in there was there any communication

I wasn’t told a thing

Just a meeting

A talk

The longest text he’s ever sent me, ever

& then silence

I wasn’t sure how to respond

How the hell do you answer that kind of text?

“I’m so sorry”?

He literally said he didn’t want me to talk to him or contact him at all

I couldn’t even apologize

I mean, I guess that was a (not really) fair enough punishment.

Considering how much I had hurt him, nothing besides a year of torture really could amount to the same kind of pain

So him getting enough closure to move on & put me out of his life for the time being?

Send me reeling in the wake?

That was punishment enough

I dug myself in a hole

Buried myself

Filled the hole until the hurt no longer hurt

Cried until I couldn’t, & then the most random moments of warmth from someone, understanding from someone

Started the tears again

I mean, how do you explain two years of my life, gone in an instant?

Seriously - that’s how long it takes to send a text.

To literally hit the send button

What was next?

I put myself through 2 months of pain

I was kept alive

My closest teacher knew… mostly bc she’s basically my second mom.

Or actually, the only motherly figure in my life that I actually feel comfortable telling everything to.

My… *cough* homophobic *cough* friend basically carried me through

He made it clear to me that he was always just a call or a text away, if I needed or wanted anything.

Yeah… I came out to him. A while ago. Things are awkward & tense between us now. I haven’t spoken to him in like… 2-ish weeks. I haven’t texted him in several days. He’s started texting me first again, bc I don’t know what I would even say to him.

The aftermath was…

It changed me

Left me in ruins

Wrecked me

Suffocated me in the hopelessness that there might not be a future for me…

Or that I had ruined my perfect future.

My idea of a perfect future back then.

& then… it brought me back to life

It took a while… but my closest friends came back

& now I’m surrounded by people who care abt me

Who love me

Who actually work to keep our friendship alive & afloat

Who I can finally be me around, no holding back

So the aftermath?

Launched me carelessly into hell

I had to drag myself out, but I had neither Percy nor Annabeth to help

I have bruises & scars on my heart that won’t fade

Trauma that won’t heal

Memories that might stay lost forever

I kind of blocked all the pain out… my unconscious way of coping.

I came out of the mess bruised… & slightly broken

But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… right?