I’ll never forget that day. I somehow knew from the moment I woke up that everything was going to change. This crippling heaviness began to flood my entire body.

I remember being at work. Somehow going through the motions and forcing a smile to those I engaged with. The only moments from that day that seem to hold any relevance to me now were those last few moments before my life changed.

Though my mind seemed naive of what was to come, my body was telling me otherwise. I began to feel more and more ill as the time passed and before I knew it, it was time to go “home”.

The word “home” is such a foreign concept to me now. I think we have this common misconception that the place you call home is somehow a permanent part of you, but it’s not. That place I once called “home” was no longer mine. You were no longer mine.

I walked through the door and found you sitting at the edge of our bed. Your bed. Our bed…

I’ll never forget the look upon your face as you began to speak. I knew what was coming.

We were no where near perfect. I knew that. I knew how detrimental you were to my entire being, but I still fought for you. I stood there as you berated and belittled me convincing myself that I still wanted you. That I somehow needed you. I didn’t realize it then, but the person I once was died that day but the pain I felt would encompass me for years to come. Seven to be exact.

Pain is strange in that way. You heal, recover, repeat and yet you still feel this trauma inside you. You begin to wonder if there is something wrong with you or if you are only human and getting your heart quite literally broken calls for a partial lifetime of misery.

I wonder if you too felt pain. If you too were changed by the events of that day. If you too hold this heaviness inside of you. If even though you’ve moved on and found happiness if you still find yourself effected by that day. I say I wonder, but I already know the answer.

I now know that I never loved you. Manipulation is not love. Verbal and emotional abuse are not love. Ironically my worst day turned out to be the best day of my life. It was the day you set me free.