‘And into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul’ quote by John Muir She came again tonight in my dreams. Like She does every year on the 15th August. And every year She tries to get me to go into the forest. She tells me the forest is beautiful, with waterfalls and streams twisting through it’s winding paths, sunlight sparkling through leaves, pretty birds singing and darting from tree to tree. She tells me it’s a place I should go to, somewhere I can reflect, somewhere that can heal me. But I thought I knew better. So every year I’d resisted. I’d shunned her outstretched hand, and watched the smile disappear from her face, replaced with a frown of concern. ‘Susan’, She would whisper as She drifted away. ‘I’ll come back and try again next year.’ And I would forget for another year. But tonight would be different. It had started the same. The rising fear inside me, as the date on the calendar grew nearer and nearer. The need to escape, the panic when I realised there was nowhere to run to. Then the 15th August was here again and I was a complete mess. I’d booked the day off work, had taken myself off to the city shopping. Distracted by the hustle and bustle of busy lives, I’d shopped, drunk coffee and smoked outside in the summer air, watching the world go by. I’d taken in some sights, wandered round a museum and even took a boat trip. Anything to delay the growing anxiety inside me. But all too soon, the day was over and I found myself on the train back home, back to my flat, back to emptiness. I’d ordered a takeaway, and settled down to watch a film sipping on a gin & tonic. I’d savoured the tangy dryness of the tonic, laced heavily with ice, to try & keep me awake. But inevitably I’d started to drift off. In desperation, I ate chocolate, crisps - anything I had. I’d looked up all sorts of nonsense on my iPad & played stupid games. But, my mistake had been reading a book, the clock gently ticking away the seconds in the background. My eyes had started to shut….. Tick, tock, tick, tock…. Waves crashing gently on a sandy beach….. And just like that I was there again. A beautiful sunny day. Blue skies that stretched in all directions, melting into a turquoise peaceful sea. A couple of boats bobbed lazily in the distance, and just further along the shoreline I could see a family playing in the sand, building sandcastles and laughing. A bit further on, was a little girl with an older woman - a grandparent? Side by side they were paddling in the sea, dresses hitched up so they could jump in the waves. A mother and daughter nearby, sat on a picnic blanket, eating ice creams. Happy in each other’s company. I sighed and lay down, feeling the gloriously hot sand between my toes. Relishing the salty air on my lips and the hotness of the midday sun on my face. A welcome breeze rippled through my hair and I breathed it all in and relaxed. ‘Susan, Susan, don’t sleep, look around you.’ I came to my senses abruptly - She was there. I sat up, the beach was now almost deserted. The breeze had now picked up and a couple of clouds hovered on the horizon. I looked around. I hadn’t noticed before, the forests surrounding the beach. Vast and foreboding but at the same time welcoming, colourful. Inviting. A surge of panic gripped my insides, I clutched my stomach, struggling to breath. ‘Susan, it’s ok, I’m here with you. We can go into the forest together.’ I looked up and there She was. Brown eyes, smiling, reassuring, an outstretched arm. As usual, She looked familiar but I couldn’t fathom why. Every part of me resisted, and in the briefest of moments, instead of pushing her away, I gave in and took her hand. I noticed the mother and daughter, now also walking hand in hand towards the forest. The little girl was laughing, swinging off her mother’s arm, pigtails bouncing as she skipped along. I was drawn to her cotton dress, decorated with little bunches of pink cherries and a tiny pink bow on her waist at the back. I used to have one just like that. I followed them. Curious, where were they going. I was right behind them, but they didn’t seem to notice me. They walked across the promenade, past the cafe at the end and along the path that led to the forest. I hesitated and looked behind where She was. She smiled, squeezed my hand and told me it was ok. So I walked behind them, up and up we went. Till I thought we could go no further, and we finally came out into an opening with a waterfall cascading down in front of us. It was beautiful, like She had promised. Sunlight rippled through the trees, tiny birds sang and swooped across the water, which sparkled and frolicked, cascading over the edge, looking like a river of diamonds as it splashed into the pool below. The mother was pointing at a little cove at the other side of the waterfall. To get to it they would need to cross the top and climb down the other side. The water was so clear and shallow there, it would be lovely for a dip. The little girl was saying something and pulling back on her mother’s hand. ‘But Mommy, it’s so high and it’s so quiet, there’s no-one around’ ‘It’s fine, it’s only quiet because people think the forest is haunted and there’s no getting out. But that’s silly, we’re perfectly safe Susie!’ Susie? That’s what my mother used to call me. Then I remembered. It all came flooding back. I was watching history repeating itself. I tried to speak, to warn them but they couldn’t hear me. I watched helplessly as my mother stepped out onto the rocky ravine. Edging along cautiously, then turning round and holding out her hand. My heart was in my mouth as I watched my child self reach out clumsily and stumble, nearly her losing balance. Then my mother in her desperation to catch me, lost her footing. And she fell, over the top of the waterfall. Down and down. A look of shock on her face. Till she hit the rocks below and lay there still, the water turning red. I watched my child self, stood in her pink cherry dress, shocked not knowing what to do. I heard her scream for ages and then watched her curl up into a ball of fear and horror. I knew how she felt, how she would continue to feel for years to come. I knew her story, because it was mine. I knew she would stay there for hours, scared not knowing what to do. I knew she waited till dusk, till she heard all sorts of strange noises and she finally uncurled and took in her surroundings. I knew she saw a haze of something in front of her, a shadow of a person. A woman with red curly hair, just like hers. I know she followed her out of the forest, back down to safety where she banged on the door of the cafe till someone opened the door and let her in. I know she cried for weeks, I know she was haunted with fear, loss, grief, pain and most of all guilt for the next 20 years. I shut my eyes. It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t my fault, it was an accident. I’d carried the guilt with me all this time, the guilt of the loss of my mother while she was trying to save me. But finally I knew, there was nothing I could have done. And I cried. Cried for me, cried for little Susie, cried for my mother. Then She squeezed my hand. I’d forgot She was there. She led me away from the forest, my mother, out of my dream and back to my flat where I slept peacefully, for the first time in years. Epilogue The forest was beautiful with an abundance of colours and trees inviting you in; but everyone knew there was no getting out. But I know differently. You can get out, you just have to face your fears and your past. And She? Well She is me, an older and wiser me, I just had to look inside myself to find my peace. And She never came again.