_Margot…_

**_

_**Was it cruel of me to have our last date in the same place as our first? It’s not like there hadn’t been dates in between, and in this postcard-sized town Marty’s Diner was the only decent place to eat anyway. We were cubbied up in the corner booth like always, sharing a basket of onion rings and a pair of milkshakes, but I think we both knew today was different.

“Are you nervous? For school?” Joel eventually piped up.

I looked up from what was fast-becoming a glass of chocolate sludge. “More excited than anything. You?”

“Excited. Yeah. I’m excited.”

A year ago he would have been thrilled. Chomping at the bit. Unable to sleep and triple-checking his packing list and crossing days off the calendar until he finally made it to orientation. He would have told me more than I ever cared to know, but I would have listened and laughed only because he was so happy.

Now he was just “excited.” Now his happiness was shared with everyone but me, and I finally realized that we’d been slowly melting into a sludge that neither of us wanted to drink.

“Joel, I think we should break up.” Sugarcoating the sludge wasn’t going to make it taste any better.

He gaped at me, face plastered with a look of…well, I couldn’t tell, frankly. “…You do?”

“Well, we’re not exactly swooning over each other anymore. You…obviously have more important things to do with your time, and I think we both deserve the chance to figure out what else is out there for us.”

In all my mental rehearsals of this moment, I’d never imagined the indescribably blank look on his face. I’d imagined him getting angry, getting sad, even thanking me for making the change he knew we needed. But this…this unreadable, deer-in-the-headlights, expression of _nothing _never crossed my mind.

“Did I do something wrong?”

It was my turn to stare. Was he serious? After all but ignoring me for nearly three months, now he wanted to know what he’d done wrong? I had begged him to make time for me, and even on the chance that he wasn’t too “busy,” he was distant and unengaged and altogether bored with me.

I could make a scene. I could yell at him, unleash the floodgates of resentment until he said he was sorry and that he’d do better. We could put the sludge back in the freezer and tell everyone it was a milkshake again for another few months, or I could end it all now and save myself the stomachache.

With a steadying breath, I went on. “We’re growing in different directions. It’s not…anyone’s fault…but I think we should go our separate ways before it is.”

Another stretch of silence. “Okay,” he whispered finally, pushing himself out of the booth. “I’ll pay on the way out.”

And that was it. That was how it ends.

_Joel…_

The ring was burning a hole in my jacket pocket. It wasn’t in the box, just so there was no way Margot could guess what it was before I was ready. She’d figured out every birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s, and anniversary gift I’d ever planned for her, but I’ll be darned if she gets this one too.

I’d thought about today for months. Well, it was supposed to be next week, actually. But after laying the last hard-earned hundred down on the jewelry store counter this morning and walking out with the box in hand, I couldn’t wait. Besides, Marty’s Diner was where we had our first date.

Now that I was here, I was wishing I’d stuck to the plan.

“So…” I started, flying through a million conversations starters in my head. “Are you nervous? For school?”

“More excited than anything. You?”

“Excited. Yeah. I’m excited.” I was floundering, and Margot could tell. She swirled her straw around in her glass.

She didn’t seem to be in a particularly good mood today. Should I wait to pop the question? I wish I could just ask her “Do you want me to propose today, or would later work better for you?” Maybe I should wait. Maybe asking her when she was in a bad mood would mean that she would say no.

Or would asking be exactly the thing that would cheer her up? I couldn’t chicken out. I couldn’t give myself reasons to back out of what I’d been waiting for almost two years to do.

“Joel, I think we should break up.”

I had never had my heart broken before. I didn’t know it would feel like I was actually breaking.

My chest hurt. Like getting a stitch in my side, but deeper…and also in my stomach. My head was getting all fuzzy and I had to catch up on air. And say something. I had to say something.

“…You do?”

I don’t know what she said next. My ears heard her, but my head didn’t. I was too busy looking at my hands resting on the table and noticing how suddenly it didn’t feel like there were actually mine. My whole body didn’t feel like it was mine. I was just inhabiting a meat sack that must belong to someone else.

What did I do? What did I do? Or…didn’t? Why was this happening? What did I do wrong?

My thoughts must have spilled out of my mouth, because she went on to say something about it not being anyone’s fault. And something else…something that sounded final and decisive. She sounded that way sometimes, especially when she wanted a conversation to be over.

“Okay,” somehow escaped me, and I felt the meat sack lifting me out of the seat. “I’ll pay on my way out.”

The room was spinning as one foot planted itself in front of the other. My hands shoved themselves into my pockets.

And I felt the ring.

I felt the big stone in the center and the little decorative florally swoops surrounding it. I felt the ridges and bumps and how cold it was. Somehow letting the tips of my fingers paint a picture in my mind reminded me that my arms really did belong to me and the room stopped swirling so much.

I whirled around for one last try. “Margot—“

“I’m sure, Joel.”

She was sure. I could tell. I knew that I could pull the ring out of my pocket and get on my knees and profess every bit I love I had for her.

I also knew that she didn’t want me too.

I wasn’t sure if I was close enough for her to see the tears welling up in my eyes, but I took a step back anyway. “I just wanted to say that…thanks for everything.”

She smiled. I think that’s what she wanted to hear. I gave her a trembling smile in return and fled the room.

And that was it. That was how it ends.