VISUAL PROMPT
Art by Sans @ deviantart.com/Sanskarans

Write a Halloween-inspired story or poem which includes this character.
My Name is Retsnom
I am standing in the sky’s tears. My father’s wool trench coat wrapped snugly around me, however, it is futile against the fleeting needles. I could still smell the faint scent of his cigars lingering on the wool. When I was six he kneeled to me, not quite looking in my eyes, and gave me the bunched-up black parcel. “It suits you,” he said, “Especially at night”. That was the last time I saw him. I treasured that coat for years despite the sleeves trailing behind me as a credulous bride. It wasn’t until later did I realize that the only reason he gifted it was to help me blend into the shadows.
The sound of shouts carried me back to reality. I could see the rays of flashlights flickering in the distance. Lights always reminded me of my mother, the way the morning sun would dance on her butterfly pendant. She was warm, and loving, and dead. That was the only thing my father said when I asked about her. The cursing grew louder and shadows of men were before me, the rain melting away any physical features.
“There it is,” said a man, I could hear the sneer in his voice. The lights glared down on me as they walked closer. I wrapped the coat tighter around me as a woolen hug. I turned my gaze down at the cracked pavement. Maybe if I didn’t look at them they would pity me. My father always said it was the eyes he hated the most, the milky white mirror that never ceased. I wished to say that it was the face staring back at him in my eyes that he hated the most, but I never could.
I kept staring until the shiny black boots entered my vision. My lip trembled I knew what they saw. The grey skin drawn tight over my feeble skeleton, the gapping hole where my nose should be, the sewn shut mouth, and those horrible eyes.
“Well hello freak,” said the man with shiny boots, the smell of beer in his breath stung my nose. “I think it is about time we eradicate your like from this world,” I kept my eyes firmly planted on the ground. I heard the sound of a gun being cocked, I felt the cold metal against my head, salty sorrows mixed with heaven’s water. I closed my eyes tightly and wished. I wished with all my body and soul to be normal, for once in my life be normal.
That is when I felt it, a small tickle on my hand. I cautiously peeled open my eyes to stare at it. A butterfly. She was the ocean blue with a dusting of pepper she fluttered on my hand unafraid of the monster before her. I realize it has stopped raining. The gun quivers as I gaze up at the heavens. The sky swarmed with them, butterflies rained down like snow. They landed on my coat and head and body, I smiled than. The best I could with my sewn mouth. I wished to laugh, I wished to cry, I wished to scream. In that moment I finally found my happiness.
Hey-hi! I love "the sky's tears", but can see that the character is "standing". Perhaps make reference to the way in which the character is standing - to get my imagination going even more!
I enjoyed this piece because the language seems to have more than one connotation:
For example, "he kneeled to me" as an adult to a child, but also, the phrase sounds dark. To me, it's kinda sneaky (and full of potential), because the phrasing feels like/suggests a formal ceremony. Perhaps (in another chapter), it may give the reader (even more of) a clue about the relationship he has with his father.
" ...the sleeves trailing behind me as a credulous bride" 👏🏼: I would have used 'like' rather than "as", but I loved this imagery. It made me giggle. The idea of a gullible bride reflects the protagonist's naivety. I'm not sure if this was your intention, but I enjoyed the way you combined a comical tone with a sinister side throughout the piece.
In the last paragraph "I realise...the heavens": I'm uncomfortable with the tense switching (between present and past). I may have misread?
Small note: "shouts" are a sound, so I'd be inclined to describe the type of shout.
Awesome: "...danced on her butterfly pendant" -Superb! Suggesting closeness. Then shock by contrast, ripped away "dead".👏🏼
Awesome: "the rain melting away any physical features"👏🏼
Brill: "salty sorrows mixed with heaven's water". 👏🏼
There’s so much imagery to like in this piece, but I'll leave now, for others to comment. A great read!👏🏼
Thank you so much for your feedback! I am a huge fan of your work so this means a lot. I loved learning from your critique to improve more stories in the future!
No worries - liked the piece! 😀
Also, thanks for reading my work! 🙏Feel free to drop me a critique any time. I’m always interested to hear what people think and feel or my work :)