My voice comes out sort of foggy. “He sacrificed his life to save mine… after everything I did to him…” It’s all I can do to stop myself from collapsing in grief and guilt.

“It’s not your fault,” he tells me, sinking onto the ground next to me. His young face etched with deep emotion far too wise for his youth.

“Yes it was…” Suddenly, my guilt turns to the need to protect. I look up at my son, so innocent yet been through so much. “You shouldn’t be here. You’re barely a teenager. You can’t… you… you need to leave”-he moans-“right now. You’re too young for this…” I pause to recollect my thoughts.

“I can’t leave you Mom. You’re broken. It’s not your fault Dad died, but… you need me,” Forrest says.

“You must leave or else the same thing will happen to you!!!” I scream, instantly regretting it. Forrest winces, not taking this lightly. I continue, in a much gentler tone. “You must go live with Aunt Marlene. It is not safe for you here anymore.”

“No! I’m not leaving you, Mom. You’ll die!” Forrest wails, and suddenly I feel so unprotected and bare. The wind easily rushes through the house that we once lived in, now burnt to nothing, whipping black ash in my face. But for some reason I don’t care anymore. I don’t see any reason to go on. Forrest’s father lives in his son, and I will never be able to get past that.

“Forrest.” I use my tense voice, but it instead sounds scratchy. He looks up at me, sad blue eyes swimming with tears. I choke, recognizing him in those eyes. Recognizing the one I’ll never see again, and it’s all my fault. “Your father was a bad man who did worse things. But I still loved him. I do love him. I love him more than the moon loves the stars, I love him more than the sun loves the sky. And I won’t ever be able to get past him, no matter how hard I try. Your father made me feel…”-I pause, searching for the right words-“alive. He made me feel like I was worth something. And if you stay here with me, I will be broken, a pile of bones and skin and grief.” I take a rasping breath and cough from the smoke. “Your parents are bad people, Forrest. I want you to forget about me, forget about your father. I want your Aunt Marlene to raise you as if you were her own.”

“No, Mom, I can’t… I love you. And Dad. You expect me to just forget about the past 13 years of my life?” He asks in a hushed whisper. He puts his hand on my bone cold one. “You can’t send me away, Mom. Please.”

I shake my head. “I love you too Forrest. That’s why you must go. I want you to live a normal life, lead with happiness and don’t ever look back. Especially not at me. I’m not a good person, Forrest. Aunt Marlene will take care of you, I promise. Now go. GO!” I add harshly. I pull him into a quick hug, holding his muscular body tight against my own frail frame. “I love you so much,” I whisper into his ear, “please do this, for your father if no one else.”

He nods, releasing me. He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to. His eyes say everything as he walks away from me, his past, towards his aunt, his future. I’m letting go, I’m slipping away. I’ve lost my husband and my son. I shudder inside and huddle next to what used to be his body and wait for death to whisk me away.