“Promise me you won’t laugh at me.” No that’s not it, so cringy. “Don’t tell anyone.” No. Not that either. “I have something to tell you. Just don’t freak out.” Yep that’s the one. I practice this line over and over again for five minutes in the school bathroom right across from the cafeteria. It’s Friday so this is my last chance until next week. As I walk back into class I see her standing there, her eyes wide and soulful, her hair falling just below her shoulders, dirty blonde and wavy, and her glasses, tan and black around the rim. She’s beautiful, and she’s my best friend. This is going to be more difficult than I thought.

“Hey, Lily!” I wave at her as I walk closer to where she’s sitting. “Oh hey, Avery! What’s up?” She responds with. Her voice gentle and sweet. I look at the clock, it reads 2:23. Two minutes until we leave. Better get this over with. “Um… I have something to uh, tell you. Just don’t freak out okay?” I say nervously fidgeting with my beaded necklace, I meet her eyes and then panic. “Oh ok, what is it?” She’s listening. _Oh_ she’s listening, I have to say something, anything. Don’t just stand there you idiot! “Um well,” the bell cuts me off. “Oh sorry tell me Monday, come on let’s go.” She says already walking ahead of me.

“I like you.” I blurt it out before I even have time to think about it. My face is burning red already. That was so embarrassing. I had to turn it around.

“Really?” Lily sounds half hopeful and half confused. “No sorry, it was just a dare.” I laugh nervously and look down. I practiced all that time just to chicken out? When we get outside I am about to head to my car and Lily, to the bus. Now my chance is gone for sure. I’ll just tell her Monday, it’s okay.

“See you Monday, Lily!” She hugs me and walks off to the bus as she says to me without turning around, “Tell your mom I said hello!” “Ok I will!” But I didn’t and I regret it.

I’m about to leave for school on Monday morning when I get a call from my mom. “Honey? Lily’s gone. She died in a car crash.”

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Tears soak my hoodie sleeve. So many sorrys, so many looks and whispers from people I haven’t talked to in years. _So many tears_. I just wanted to skip. I was going to tell her everything today, but now I’ll never be able to. It’s not like she’s just on vacation, or sick and off school, she’s **_really_** gone. I start crying again and hurry to the bathroom where I had thought about and practiced those lines for hours and sobbed. “I love you Lily. I’ve always loved you even if you didn’t feel the same way.” I finally say it but alas it’s no use. She’ll never hear those words. The ones I’ve been trying to tell her since fourth grade.

I love you.