“Fire“ shouts the commander. Instantly the spider like creature was lit up by blasts. As the laser met it’s body, it swept its head from left to right and let out an agonizing scream which let a shudder erupt on even the strongest solder. But the pain didn’t seem to weaken the beast, instead, it seemed angered held itself steady.
“It won’t back down“ said soldier 2.1.1.
Hi!
Really well written piece and I loved the demonstration of the pain the beast was feeling you used when you put:
> As the laser met its body, it swept its head from left to right and let out an agonising scream
Although, I think that you could improve in some areas, read further if you’d like advice:
I noticed one spelling mistake in their, which was fine, it happens to every writer, if you can’t find it it’s in the line
> Which let a shudder erupt on even the strongest solder (soldier)
And I think that there are some parts where you over describe verbs like the sentence:
> which let a shudder erupt on even the strongest soldier
Although it is good to use descriptive words a lot of the time sometimes it’s unnecessary and i think this piece could be improved by simplifying the verb you described the soldiers doing and focusing on the majority, here’s an example if you’d like:
> Which caused the soldiers to stumble about the [Adjective] [setting]
And lastly, i noticed you stopped using the “show don’t tell” method in the last paragraph and don’t get me wrong, not every paragraph needs to use it but I think the part in question could be improved with it
Instead of saying:
> the beast was angered
Say something like
> The beasts eyes lit up and it let out a shriek, diving for the soldiers.
This tells the reader that the beast is angry without spoon feeding it to them.
I’d like to end this by saying I really enjoyed this piece and can tell you’re a creative and talented writer, if you read this I hope it can help you improve as a writer <3
