Another late night where its impossible to fall asleep. Every time I close my eyes I think of him, a yearning ache filling my chest making it hard to breathe so I hold my breath. My eyes start to swell with tears and I squeeze my eyes shut trying to keep them at bay but its too late. Two lonely tears, one from each eye, race down my face at the same time. It’s been twenty years now and he has never said the actual words. Granted we weren’t always in each others lives over the past two decades but surly enough for him to have said it at least once.. I see it in his actions, the way he remembers the most minute details of my life. The way he stares into my eyes so deeply I want to look away but I can’t. The way he listens to me and follows through with changed actions because we both are plagued with trust issues. A constant battle between his mommy issues and my daddy issues, the most beautifully choreographed close combat scene anyone’s ever imagined. We’re stuck in this never ending cycle and there’s only one way to end it. I have never said it directly either, but I like to think I am direct enough. To actually say those words alone and let them hang in the air as long as whenever. He may say nothing back at all or say something and I wish he had said nothing at all. I have to be ready for anything. My decision is made but to act on it is a completely different story. It has to be in person and we are currently hundreds of miles apart. Hopefully when I return for holiday I can act and put an end to this exhausting dance for submission. These last thoughts bring me peace enough to fall into a deep REM sleep for the night, and its not even that late.