My freind ship with daniel has felt different recently. I think be would agree. Its not better or worse but as if we both know something that we dont want the other to know. Theres lots of things I dont want daniel to know about me, stuff iv done that was shitty to others, times iv lied to him, and how I really feel about him. I dont want him to not know because I think he will be mad or upset, but because this wasn’t supposed to happen.

Iv always imagined love as meeting someone, at s coffee shop or a party, flirtying with them, asking for their number and going on a couple of dates until 10 years later your married with 5 kids. Thats how the movies have made it seem. Me and Daniel were just two teenagers who got put in a class together and enjoyed shit talking the teacher a little too much.

I dont know what to do with my feelings for him, I dont think he does either. I think thats why it doesn’t feel bad, but just diffrent and new. I think if we explored these feelings more and thought about them we could figure out what to do next. For now we are just floating between this cloudy space.

Light touches to the hand, lingering stares, and needyness for eachothers attention that is maybe too much. Too much as in this dosent seem like a healthy amount of time to spend together. Too much as in I feel like we are running out of things to talk about that dont make us both shut up and wonder what do next. Too much as in hes all I think about, all I want. His exsistence is overwealming to my brain.

He looks at me, because aparently my silence was too noticable for him not to be concerned. I look back. We look into eachothers eyes, wondering what card to play now. He then looks back towards the show we were watching, maybe my face isnt as intriguing to him as I thought. Or maybe its because he needs to look away. Needs to look away because if he keeps looking he might get too close to me and do something that might be considered wrong.

I dont know what comes next in our relationship, I dont think I ever will. For now iv decided that we will continue to live in the is hazy space between freinds and more, no matter how clunky and akward it gets.