An hours conversation,
No voices, just words.
Excitement sparks -
You know, just like those sparklers on the Fourth of July?
But I won’t tell a soul.
I would probably jinx it.
Or mess it up somehow, in my own way.
But in the end,
We only regret the chances we didn’t take.
I think I’ll take this one.
This is a nice one! Quite the romantic sentiment if I’ve read this right :) “An hours conversation” - I’ve never heard it put this way and I really like it!
Feedback for voice: When you say, “But I won’t tell a soul” it adds a lot to the piece. That treasuring-something-good kind of vibe! However, this kind of gets undercut by the line preceding it. “You know…” isn’t something you’d say to yourself usually, so it implies you’re conversing with the audience and so “telling a soul.” Does that make sense?
Here’s a possible fix: write this as though the protagonist is talking to themselves. “Just like those sparklers on the Fourth of July.” No need for a question mark, either.
Here’s hoping this all makes sense! As has been the case for several days now, I’m a fan 🥳
