June 16, XXXX

I wonder what would have happened if I had never accepted the deal. Would I have been happy if I hadn’t taken the chance to fix the wrongs that had been done to me and mine?

Though, I have to wonder, what exactly is happiness? Being the oldest, it was my duty to provide, nurture, and protect from a young age, especially when my younger siblings were born. There was never any room for “happiness,” even with the second chance.

Perhaps I won’t ever know the answer to that question, but at least my family is safe — the emperor himself has ensured that no matter what happens to me (to us), my family will be protected as innocents of this whole shitshow.

Perhaps it’s better that my family has been kept in the dark about my actions so far, I know my father wouldn’t have approved. He was always against killing for any reason and for me to be the cause of multiple families’ destruction — for good reason, not that it will matter in court — that fact alone will destroy what is left of our tenuous relationship.

I know my mother would have been saddened to hear of my actions. She hated that I had become a soldier at a young age, and an unofficial knight around the same age. For me to be the villain of this city — well, I just hope she takes care of herself.

My siblings would be confused — too young to yet understand the significance of death and how terrible my actions truly are — as it should be. I wonder how they’ll react when they finally realize everything I’ve done?

It’s useless to wonder at this point.

I wonder if anyone will believe me if I said that I genuinely didn’t want it for this to happen? Probably not. Why should I feel guilty now, after decades of destroying these noble families and the handful of investigators?

I wouldn’t blame the survivors their anger if I said that so I won’t. Perhaps it’s best if I go down as disinterested as possible, I know it will be easier to accept my sentence that way.

Tomorrow I will enter court against the families I destroyed so utterly over the past decade or three (my how time flies by, it feels like just yesterday that I met Alrekr). I know that I will lose, since I cannot say the true reason for my revengeful actions. Who would believe me?

Not even Alrekr (god-blessed man that he is) would believe me, though it saddens me to say it.

Tomorrow I lose, tomorrow I die by my husband’s hands.

— Last Entry of Elegast Kabiri van Abraxas