I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. In high school English we all got assigned that stupid class reading of Romeo and Juliet. You know the one where the teacher gets to humiliate the class jock on being Mercutio and read lines aloud. Well, I loved it! All the stories of old Tristan and Isolde, Alladin and Jasmine, beauty and the beast all retelling, and even the modern ones. I loved it so much that I majored in it when I got into college. That’s where I met her.

Hallee was everyone’s best friend. You couldn’t resist her charm. She had this way of talking to you. A way that you would find yourself listening for hours and hours and before you knew it she knew all of your secrets too. Like a charmed serpent you began to tell her everything about yourself. She would never use those secrets and details against you. That’s why she was everyone’s best friend. A kind soul. A rarity that everyone searches for.

Hallee was beautiful. No other way to describe it. She had light brown hair that was the length every female strived for in life. She had caramel honey eyes. Athletic body from track in high school.The best part was her smile. She had a little crooked tooth on her top row that made it not perfect, but also complementing her whole face to be approachable and breathtaking at the same time. She made the other girls envious, but also secure in themselves as well. I never knew how she could do it. A friend would wear a dress and Hallee would wear something similar making the friend enviously insecure, but Hal’s would find the most endearing compliment that you ended liking yourself all over again. Not just the girls in the groups, but she could make the most insecure guy fell like he was Prince Charming. It was like watching your favorite movie play out in front of you every time.

I fell in love with her instantly. Not just for her looks or her wonderful personality, but just the essence of her. Like I said romantic. Halle didn’t notice me right away. We were not in the same circles on campus nor did we have mutual friends as of yet. I was a freshman. Not a shy a freshman, but one that came from a small town and joined the school for its English program and the summer abroad program. That’s where the story takes off.

We both attended Berkeley. She wanted to be an editor of some publishing houses and I studied literary criticism. I was going to write a bio compilation of all the great romantics. To help with my degree I would attend three courses of the summer abroad program for my masters and PhD to Uni of Padova, the Uni of John Cabot, and for my freshman year Cambridge university. I was on scholarship as was Hallee. We both had to be on top of our game to maintain grades and the scholarships. Naturally, wants classes started and being an English major hallee would start to notice me amongst the circles of people and study groups.

I’m not a bad looking guy. I have a sense of style that girls appreciate. I’m average height and some what athletically built. I played every sport I could for my dad. I was never good enough to be scouted, but enough to start on teams and be the outsider jock. Halle started to talk to me just like any body else in her life. The friend, the buddy, the sweet guy from class “who helps me with my notes”. That’s who I started out as. Overtime she became more interested. I’m sad to admit that she asked me out first and I, not the chivalrous one to be the first. I was shocked and stammered quite a bit. It was hilarious for Halle. We went out all second semester freshman year. We both went on the summer abroad program. Me for my major and hallee for her resume.

We did everything we could on the short lived summer. The train to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower. A quick plane ride to Rome to see the colosseum. A few more plane rides and every last dime I could find for our time together. It was all a big whirl wind of a time all they way through sophomore year and even junior year. Our last year as seniors was difficult because I knew I would continue studying and writing while Hallee got her internships and applications ready for the big bad world. I always rooted for every interview and was there for every rejection or acceptance. We all knew Halle was going on to bigger better things. I really was happy for her and was her best supporter even when I knew it would be the death of us. I always knew I loved Hallee more than she loved me. That always lingered in the air. Even our friends hinted at it. So I knew the time would come and it has.

The moment. We are in the farthest part of the library where anyone could scream and the acoustics would drown out amongst the old books. Halle is in my high school hoodie. Her hair is a mess and she has no make up on. I’m trying to focus on what she is saying, but I know how this plays out. She has rehearsed this break up speech for hours I know she did. That’s the type of person she is. She would rehearse so that she was sure that above all else she would lay everything on the table leaving enough facts as to why we are breaking up, but keeping it sweet and loving enough so that I will want to remain friends with her. That’s where it gets fuzzy for me. I focused on her tears and the hiccups in between shuddering breaths. Hallee is first and foremost my friend. All the stories I have ever read where the lovers would rather die than be apart or where the main character can’t bear to live on while the other is gone from their lives plays out in my head, but that doesn’t feel right to me in this moment. I keep thinking as Hallee is half way smiling and half way crying trying to subtlety remove the cry snot from her nose ……..that I would rather have Hallee as a friend in my life then some college memory. I would rather be her friend and watch her walk down the isle in a stunning white dress even if I was not at the end of said isle. I would rather see her holding a baby that has her smile or eyes as a friend than some distant person looking on a photo on Facebook. I would rather have Hallee at my book release in the future with her significant other as my friend than some stranger who left a comment on my goodreads page.

Hallee is looking at me pleading and with hope in her eyes that I will remain in her life as a friend. Not a friend clinging to the hope that one day we will get back together, but as a true friend. I feel every piece of my heart and soul break and mend back together quickly again only to break once more for a repetitive cycle. I hear myself say something like I’m at the far end of the tunnel …

…..“Hallee, I will always be your friend. I will always root for you. I love you!”

And I know even though it might literally kill me. I can be that friend to her. Because it’s Hallee.