I held my eyes shut: tight. ‘Don’t open them, don’t open them.’ I begged myself to hold them shut. It was so hard because I knew what was out there. I could see it in my mind! Huddled in the corner, I remained frozen, still, and unblinking. Breathing slowly and uniformly in, then out. I couldn’t hold my breath. I had to keep on breathing. I knew I could fight it. I’d done it before. Suddenly it was becoming harder and harder to keep my eyes shut. I wanted to open them. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run. But run where? There was nowhere to go. I focused on my breathing: in, and then out. Slowly and rhythmically. I had to keep calm. I brought my hands up to cover my eyes. ‘Keep. them. Closed.’ I willed myself, as I shrunk deeper and deeper into my corner. That's when I started to feel it: the weight. It was a heavy, dark cloud. It moved in slowly. It loomed. It pushed onto my chest. It squeezed the air from my lungs. ‘No!’ I thought. I wouldn’t let it take over. I inhaled, slowly, deeply, pushing the heavy weight from my chest. It couldn’t have me. I would fight it, and I knew how. I felt it creeping closer. It wanted me. It wanted to overtake me, and I wanted to give in. It was so hard fighting it. Could I fight it? Would I win? I didn’t think so. There was no way. I was weak. I was empty. I was broken. There was no help. No one would come. No one would understand. Many times I had considered giving in, just letting it have me. I considered this again. I considered it now. “No!” I shouted aloud, and buried my head into my knees, legs pressed up against my chest. I could fight it. I could do it. But, it was out there. I could feel it creeping in and lurking, closer and closer. It would never let me go. There was no way to beat it. I could fight it today, but tomorrow... Tomorrow it would return. Then, who would be here to help? No one. There was no one who could help me. Only I could defeat this monster. I released my legs from their fetal position, placed my hands upon the floor, pressed my weight into an upward motion, and got to my feet. Slowly, opening my eyes, I stood before it, slowly letting out a deep breath. I was not afraid… But yes. Yes I was. I couldn’t do it. I was broken. I was fat. I was ugly. I was unwanted. I was empty. I was alone. I stood there as it consumed me, as my mind betrayed me, and the depression swallowed me. My own shadow: we were stitched together, and from my shadow, there was no escape. It swallowed me whole, and I gave in: broken, alone, and empty. My own thoughts. My own feelings. I was no match for a betrayal of my own mind. How can you fight if your mind isn’t even on your side?