I held my eyes shut: tight.

‘Don’t open them, don’t open them.’

I begged myself to hold them shut.

It was so hard because I knew what was out there.

I could see it in my mind!

Huddled in the corner, I remained frozen, still, and unblinking. Breathing slowly and uniformly in, then out. I couldn’t hold my breath. I had to keep on breathing. I knew I could fight it. I’d done it before.

Suddenly it was becoming harder and harder to keep my eyes shut.

I wanted to open them.

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to cry.

I wanted to run. But run where? There was nowhere to go. I focused on my breathing: in, and then out. Slowly and rhythmically. I had to keep calm. I brought my hands up to cover my eyes. ‘Keep. them. Closed.’ I willed myself, as I shrunk deeper and deeper into my corner.

That's when I started to feel it: the weight.

It was a heavy, dark cloud.

It moved in slowly.

It loomed.

It pushed onto my chest.

It squeezed the air from my lungs.

‘No!’ I thought. I wouldn’t let it take over. I inhaled, slowly, deeply, pushing the heavy weight from my chest. It couldn’t have me. I would fight it, and I knew how. I felt it creeping closer. It wanted me. It wanted to overtake me, and I wanted to give in. It was so hard fighting it.

Could I fight it? Would I win?

I didn’t think so.

There was no way.

I was weak.

I was empty.

I was broken.

There was no help.

No one would come.

No one would understand.

Many times I had considered giving in, just letting it have me. I considered this again. I considered it now.

“No!” I shouted aloud, and buried my head into my knees, legs pressed up against my chest. I could fight it. I could do it. But, it was out there. I could feel it creeping in and lurking, closer and closer. It would never let me go. There was no way to beat it. I could fight it today, but tomorrow...

Tomorrow it would return.

Then, who would be here to help?

No one.

There was no one who could help me.

Only I could defeat this monster.

I released my legs from their fetal position, placed my hands upon the floor, pressed my weight into an upward motion, and got to my feet.

Slowly, opening my eyes, I stood before it, slowly letting out a deep breath. I was not afraid…

But yes.

Yes I was.

I couldn’t do it.

I was broken.

I was fat.

I was ugly.

I was unwanted.

I was empty.

I was alone.

I stood there as it consumed me, as my mind betrayed me, and the depression swallowed me.

My own shadow: we were stitched together, and from my shadow, there was no escape.

It swallowed me whole, and I gave in: broken, alone, and empty.

My own thoughts. My own feelings. I was no match for a betrayal of my own mind.

How can you fight if your mind isn’t even on your side?