“Everyone else can do it. Even Will, who had a sprained ankle can do it. So why can’t you?”

The words from my peers were spoken with annoyance, which i interpreted as disdain. Looking down from the big slide, my chest felt like it was caving in on itself at the thought of jumping. I couldn’t go home until i jumped. With every second i clung to the colorful metal poles holding up the friendly looking playground i was slowly tarnishing the image my peers held of me. It wasn’t that far down, even if i landed wrong the pain won’t be permanent. But the instinctual shunning of the weak will not fade as quickly. Before i can allow my mind to protest, i throw myself off the slide and onto the ground. The sturdy concrete hurt my hands i use to help land, but it wasn’t as bad as i feared. The tears i didn’t even realize had been flowing left my face feeling drier than before. I did it, and despite the annoyance that never left the faces of people i had previously assumed to be my friends, i see it positively. It could have been worse, i could have waited longer, made them angry enough to speak about it rather than give me a dirty look as they are now.

“Act like an adult. She is three years younger than you, and yet you are the one crying”

Words that sting worse than glares hit me like a bus. My boss is doing his job, he is stressed and just trying to get through the day. He has every right to be annoyed. I cannot please everyone nor can i do everything perfectly every time. I cannot hide from the judgement and disdain. There is no reward for pushing yourself off the slide, no matter how high you are or how hard you hit the ground. Your reward is being grateful the people you inconvenienced were kind enough to put up with how long you waited to jump.

I will never leave that playground, scared and trying only to please others. I press my hands onto the hot stove top, the white hot pain surging through me is almost peaceful compared to the slight sting of concrete. I will forever be skinning my palms and knees for someone else.

Do not act surprised when i throw myself face first to the ground, the pain i give myself is a million times better than the pain and humiliation of every waking moment on that playground slide.