The sun beat down on us as we trudged up the hill to get to the school. Dust coated our shoes and sweat dripped down my brow. I don’t look to my right to see if he is sweating too. It’s more than enough effort to keep myself walking straight as it is.

“I need a break.” I pant. Choking on my words, trying to hold in my wheezing so as not to embarrass myself. I grip my hands on my knees as I look at the dirt below me. The same dirt we used to run up every summer to get to the playground of our old elementary school, where we would sit on top of the monkey bars, letting the sun bake our skin as we talked for hours.

“You good MK?” Tyler asks peering over me.

I look up at him and see he hasn’t even broken a sweat.

“Just peachy” I reply sarcastically, heaving in another breath of air.

I flop down to the ground to sit for a second. I didn’t remember this hill being so steep or the sun ever being this hot. It had been years since I had even been out this way. I remember the last time Tyler and I went up here to celebrate our high school graduation. Now it’s four years later and we are back to celebrate our graduation from college.

It was nice having this constant. To know that whatever happened during the days between seeing each other we would always know we would meet here again on this day. The scary part now is that there are no more graduations. Nothing tying us together to force us to back together again. If we wanted to see each other we would have to choose that for ourselves. That made my stomach twist, the thought that he may not choose to see me again.

Tyler extends a hand to me, “Get up,” he says with a smirk.

“I need a minute. Not everyone here was a college lacrosse player. Some of us were literature majors that didn’t spend a lot of time exerting ourselves physically.”

“C’mon, I’ll carry you.”

I grab his hand as he lifts me to my feet. Tyler and I don’t usually have any sort of physical contact, but I also don’t want to finish walking up this stupid hill so I’ll take what I can get.

“Sure you can lift me?” I ask teasingly knowing he’ll be fine. I may not be tiny but he works out for like two hours a day. I bet he could carry an elephant on his back if he needed to.

Tyler squats down so I can climb on. I straddle his back with my thighs and put my arms around his neck. He wraps his arms around my legs and stands up effortlessly. He bounces me once to get into a more comfortable position.

“You okay back there?” He checks in.

I swallow hard, “All good here”. I have never been held by someone, especially not Tyler and this feels weirdly intimate. I can feel his back muscles shifting under me, and while I didn’t think he was sweating before I can feel that his neck is slick with a thin layer of sweat. I can smell his shampoo in his hair and feel his ribs under my thighs. I can feel the muscles of his strong arms under my knees holding me securely.

I feel safe in his arms. Just like I always feel safe when he’s around. Like nothing can go wrong so long as I’m with Tyler. I’ve felt that way ever since we were 5 and he held my hand as I walked across the balance beem on the playground. He knew I was scared but didn’t want to be left out. He was always observant like that. He could always see what I really wanted without me having to say anything.

It’s not long before we reach the top, significantly faster than if I had walked on my own.

I point towards the big tree in the corner of the playground that kids use to hide behind for hide and seek, “Shade, take me to the shade.”

I direct Tyler dramatically.

“As you wish.” He responds walking me over to the shady tree.

I slide off of his back and I gasp as I can feel myself get caught on the back of his shorts. He grabs them quickly before they can completely come off but we both notice it happening, I try not to look at his bare butt in the second before he yanks his shorts back up fully.

He turns around and we make eye contact, which quickly escalates into both of us being in fits or laughter.

“I can’t believe you just mooned me at an elementary school.” Tyler says while trying to catch his breath from laughing so hard.

“I didn’t moon you, you mooned me! Technically I pantsed you.” I tease in between laughs.

I sink down to sit under the tree in the shade with my back to the tree. Tyler sits next to me, close enough that our shoulders are pressed against each other. We both are suffering from the aftershock giggles that come with laughing so hard with your best friend.

As if directed by some outside force we both turn and look at each other. Our eyes meet and I feel trapped in his gaze. Suddenly the person sitting next to me doesn’t look like Tyler my best friend since Kindergarten, he looks older now. He looks like a man. Like a man I’d think was attractive. Like a man I do think is attractive. When did that happen? I ask myself. When did he start looking like a grown up? Do I look like a women to him or do I look like the same dorky middle schooler who used to carry her oboe to school?

Our eyes are still locked as he leans closer to me until I can feel his warm breath on my lips the scent of his minty gum tickles my nose.

Without thinking, I close the space between us and touch his lips with mine. Not yet a kiss but an invitation for one, one that Tyler accepts feverishly and I respond in kind. Our kiss is frenzied with tangling tongues and clashing teeth. His hand reaches around to cup the back of my head and I reach up to wrap my hands around his neck.

There’s no embarrassment with Tyler, no insecurities like so often comes with a first kiss. It’s just the two of us. Part of it feels new, each of us starting to explore the other more and part of it feels familiar. Like this is how it should’ve been all along.

Tyler slowly lowers me back so that I’m lying on the ground with his body covering mine. I can feel the weight of his hard length against my stomach as he props himself on one arm tangling his other hand in my hair. I buck my hips to try to get the friction I’m craving. I’m not even thinking just doing what feels right. What I need to do.

It’s like no one exists outside of us. That is, until we hear the shutting of car doors and the giggling of children running towards the playground.

Tyler catapults himself off of me and I abruptly sit up, immediately getting dizzy from the head rush.

Tyler won’t look at me as he watches the kids playing on the playground. He is sitting propped up by one hand, his hair still ruffled. If I didn’t know better he looks like he’s just relaxing enjoying the sun. To me though he looks like he’s trying to pretend that kiss didn’t happen.

I feel a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I never knew how much I wanted Tyler before that moment we just shared but suddenly my entire world view changes and he’s all I ever wanted, he’s all I’ll ever want. It’s been right there in front of me this whole time, I’m in love with Tyler St. James and I think I’ve been in denial about it for a long time.

Tyler doesn’t get to pretend that didn’t happen. If he doesn’t feel the same way that’s fine but he kissed me just as much as I kissed him and it had to mean something! If it means nothing to him though… that would shatter me. I don’t think I could recover from that.

I can’t make up my mind whether I want to talk about this with him. The outcomes are a range of detrimental to the best thing to ever happen to me. I have to take the risk though. Or else this will drive us apart forever, and I can’t let this be a what could’ve been.

I reach forward to touch him on the shoulder, “Tyler—“ I say, not knowing what comes next. Just knowing that I need to hear him say something, anything.

He turns around to look at me with his typical Tyler smirk.

“Hey MJ, I need to know, what would have happened if those kids didn’t show up?”

I take a minute to think. This is not where I thought this would go.

“I think we were about to verge into activities wholly inappropriate to take place at a children’s playground.” I reply pragmatically leaving my feelings out of it.

“Would you have wanted to go further, had we not been at a playground?”

I decide to reply with honesty, “Yes” I say with a blush rising to my cheeks. I can feel my body heat as I look away sheepishly.

Tyler reaches out to gently turn my face back to his. I’m still looking down scared to look him in the eye in case he doesn’t feel the same way, but he doesn’t let that last long before he tips my chin up and presses a firm but tender kiss on my lips before he pulls away.

He looks me in the eyes, hand still on my face, “I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time MJ.”

That is a good sign but that doesn’t mean he has feelings for me. It’s a start though, I’ll take that.

Tyler rubs his thumb across my cheek, “I can hear the gears in your whirring a mile a minute. Tell me what you’re thinking about. It’s just me, you can trust me.”

I take a deep breath in remembering he’s right, it’s just Tyler. I can tell him anything, he’s my person.

“I’m thinking about how scared I am that that was just a kiss for you. Because it was so much more for me.”

Tyler’s smile widens to a grin. He wraps his arms around me and holds me to his chest. He whispers in my ear, “MJ, your friendship means more to me than anything else in the world. I’d never risk losing that for just a kiss.”

I can feel tears rush to my eyes, I think I know what he’s trying to say but I can’t bring myself to accept it until I hear it from him. “What do you mean by that?” I ask nervously.

“I love you MJ.”