Three tests tomorrow. Three tests, and that character in that show died and now I’m going to have nightmares about death. I’m desensitized, (you see a lot of gore living in a farm in the woods,) but those dreams still make me feel yucky.

And I really want to get a good grade on those tests. Even though I have 90s in those classes. Even though I’ve studied of over an hour each. I’m still going to stress about it. I don’t even care if I have a wonky dream, m sleepy. But what if my water is gunky and I need to get more but that’s wasteful so I’ll end up being dehydrated and dizzy until I get back on my water-bottle schedule. And what about lunch? I’m getting sick of eating cornbread or a pastry thing for breakfast at 6am, a handful of some sort of carbohydrate before school, an apple and chips for lunch, two snacks after school, and some gum to tie me over because I’ll be out of food them, and then home and dinner. But what if I’m super hungry that day. And what if I need to know someone’s name, but I panic every time I’m told names, and forget it immediately. But let’s focus on the test. Let’s try to focus on the test. Just create and follow a checklist: tonight I’ll post this, get out of bed, brush and floss, wash my hands, come back into bed+turn off lights, put on some sort of Asmr, and sleep, and I do not need to feel like I’m about to give a public speech when brushing my teeth.

I feel like anxiety is a misunderstood illness. I in have it pretty severely, as far as I know, and the writing above is just a fraction of my current worries, simply laying in bed writing. *And* I’m currently on a full dose of my current meds.

Pop culture seems to like to picture a girl hyperventilating about a test, but calming down and facing her fears. I just want to try and show that anxiety sand other mental illnesses are often very different from what you probably imagine. Even after I take those tests, and brush my teeth, I’m still going to stress about it. I even stress about the brushing of my teeth yesterday, for perspective.