There are three types of flying objects that I normally mistake for UAP: Venus — yes, I’m that dumb; balloons, which is apparently a common one; and of course, satellites. Far too many times have I raised my hopes up only for my good friend and alienologist Phil to consistently bring me back to my senses. Let me sum up the current situation with a simple statement: not today. As a matter of fact, Phil is sweating profusely in this very instant, as what I can best describe as a shiny metal ball is making its way earthwards at incredible speed. Just as our brains click in, and adrenaline starts rushing our veins, the shiny ball stops midair. It’s now slowly descending in Phil’s back garden making light humming noises. How do I describe this thing? It’s like a huge pinball ball the size of Phil’s shed. This makes me a little nervous. Luckily, it seems to be stationary, hovering at about five to ten centimetres from the ground. This might sound a bit cliché — I’m the guy mistaking Venus for aliens, remember? — but I’m expecting a door to materialise any moment now and for some weird looking entity to emerge from it to greet us. I blink once, twice, thrice… I look at Phil with my dumbest expression. He says, Look! I turn to the shiny object again in anticipation, but it hasn’t moved. Can’t you see? Says Phil, The humming sounds come from all the spinning! I have to take a step closer to notice that it’s true: the big ball is whirling at an anbsurd amount of RPM. Just as I muster some more courage and take a step closer, our spherical friend shoots skywards and disappears in an instant. I look down, and I see that something has been etched onto the ground. Phil’s also noticed it and is now rushing to look at it. I join him. It reads, in perfect English and in comic sans: “Apologies, wrong planet”.