I did not know of your strife,
But I knew you all my life.
You seemed young when I was,
Played hopscotch and didn’t give a toss.
You sang to help me sleep,
And cooked so I would never weep.
As time went by you slowly forgot,
You were called and our time was cut.
It hasn’t been long but we learned to be,
Often called Nani, you’ll always be my Adjie.
This was a beautiful little piece, Mina. I love the fourth couplet; such a powerful emotion captured within two lines.
I don’t think it quite followed the criteria for a ghazal (yours were rhyming couplets where the ghazal appears to repeat the same word at the end of every other line). But nonetheless, this was an emotional piece and expressed very well.
Your rhyming worked well - just try to make sure you choose the rhyming words because they have the best meaning, not because they rhyme. So often people are so obsessed with making it rhyme that they put in not-so-strong words in just to keep the rhyme. I think the only lines about playing hopscotch and not giving a toss might have felt the most out-of-place in your piece. I loved the nostalgic imagery of the hopscotch, but that was thrown by the colloquial phrase “didn’t give a toss”.
Keep up the writing, Mina! You’re doing great :)
Aw, this is really well-written!
