Coral had agonized over this decision for months. Actually, that wasn’t true. She had been agonizing over it for years, the majority of her adult life, ever since she knew it was a choice she would eventually be forced to make. College.

Now, of course, that in and of itself is not an Earth shattering revelation. Most high school seniors have to make such a choice at this point in their life - if they’re lucky. But for Coral, this decision that should be about the direction of her future seemed to be focused on her past. Her parents had gone through a bitter divorce before Cora was out of diapers and ever since, she had been less of a daughter and more of a football to be captured from the other team. Her university plans were of course no different. Since before she could conceptualize of higher education, it was very clear that she was expected to pick one of her parents alma maters and that her choice would align her once and for all firmly on the side of the alumni that she chose. Even thinking about it filled her with icy dread.

Her parents had tried to force Cora to declare her loyalties in hundreds of different ways over the years - favorite musicians, vacation choices, basic opinions. Nothing she did or said could just be her own or a reflection of herself. Every word out of her mouth, every action she took, friend she made, presence she displayed was interpreted by her parents to be a statement that she was either more of their side or the side of their opposing parental figure. Deep down, Cora was sure her parents loved her. But they had also loved each other once upon a time. She knew this not only because of her own existence, but because of the passion with which they hated one another. No one could hate someone that much unless they had once loved them intensely as well. Lukewarm love could never become hot burning hate, there simply wasn’t enough emotional kindling. That love had culminated in their mutual love for her, as it does for all parents. Probably. To be honest, she was unsure what unconditional parental love felt like, it had been so long since she felt it. Her mom and dad individually showed her love and affection, to be sure. They shared good times, laughter, things that looked like love and sometimes even felt like it. But it was always a conditional affection because it was weighed against the perceived love of their counterpart, and what love for one meant for the other. Sometimes Cora would watch ridiculous reality dating shows with her friends, and the contestants would often bemoan the lead showing affection to someone else with the refrain, “If he can be interested in hheerrrr, I don’t know what he could see in me.” This seemed to be the same attitude her parents seemed to have towards her. Like these contestants who are trying to appear to be the most superior of the group, it of course isn’t that they were jealous or insecure or had anything wrong with THEM. It was more what the choice said about the lead - or in this case, the child. Her parents never tried to dissuade her from loving the other in exact words - but they made it very clear that it had an impact on their perception of their relationship in turn. If you could see something in them, I don’t know what you could see in me.

They had never out and out demanded that she pick a side once and for all, though. They came close many times, but never seemed to full on demand it - because it was made clear that here was where that declaration would be made. UCSB, home of the Gauchos and forever aligned to her mother. Or the Santa Cruz Banana Slugs, tied intrinsically on her father. She was expected to pick one, forever going forward one that time and leaving the other behind.

Or would she?

She sat at her desk with the forms of intent to enroll. UCSB. UCSC. Staring at each, she took a deep breath and then definitively picked up one of the pieces of paper and signed it. She folded it and checked the address. “Office of Admissions, Pepperdine University.” Finally, her future was hers alone.

“I have never been more excited to visit a post office,” she said to herself.