I sit on the edge of my bed, staring at my reflection in the mirror, tracing the lines of my face with hollow eyes. My room is dimly lit, the pale glow of the moon seeping through the curtains. I clutch the edge of my bedspread, my knuckles white with the tension of a secret too heavy to bear.

A year. It’s been a year since I started dating Alex, a year of pretending, of hiding the truth even from myself. Alex is kind, patient, and everything a girl could ask for. Yet, my heart is elsewhere. My heart belongs to his best friend, Daniel.

The guilt gnaws at me, an insidious worm burrowing deeper into my soul. Alex deserves the world, yet here I am, giving him the scraps of a heart that’s already been claimed by another. I met Daniel through Alex, and from the first moment our eyes met, something inside me shifted. It was like finding a missing piece, a part of me I never knew was lost until it was found.

But how can I betray Alex? The thought is unbearable, the fear paralyzing. I fear losing them both, fear the judgement and the shame. But most of all, I fear being alone. Who else would love me, broken and flawed as I am? I look at myself in the mirror, my body a battlefield of scars and marks from years of self-harm and struggles with an eating disorder.

Every meal is a war. Each bite feels like a betrayal to the image of perfection I desperately chase but never reach. Alex doesn’t understand the depths of my despair. He tries, but his concern only makes me feel more isolated. He tells me I’m beautiful, but the words feel like lies. How could anyone find beauty in this broken shell?

Daniel, though, sees me. He sees beyond the facade, into the darkness I hide. He doesn’t judge or pity. When we talk, it’s like he can hear the silent screams trapped inside me. But he is Alex’s best friend. How could I ever tell him how I feel? The thought of losing them both is unbearable, so I keep my silence, my love for Daniel a secret that festers and rots inside me.

I remember the first time I cut myself. The pain was a release, a way to escape the turmoil inside my mind. The blood was real, tangible, a testament to my suffering. Now, it’s a habit, a dark ritual I can’t break free from. I hide the scars beneath long sleeves, beneath a mask of smiles and laughter. But every cut, every wound, is a reminder of my inadequacy, of the darkness that I can’t escape.

Tonight, the weight of it all feels too much to bear. I look at my phone, the screen bright in the darkness, Alex’s name at the top of my messages. He texted earlier, saying he misses me, that he can’t wait to see me tomorrow. My heart aches with the guilt of my deceit. I type out a reply, my fingers trembling, telling him I miss him too, that I can’t wait either. The lie tastes bitter on my tongue.

I wonder if he knows. If he senses the distance between us, the hollow echo in my words. I want to be honest, to tell him the truth, but the fear grips me. What if he leaves? What if I end up alone, my secret exposed, my heart laid bare and rejected?

And then there’s Daniel. I see him sometimes, the way his eyes linger on me, the unspoken words hanging in the air between us. I think he knows, or at least suspects, but he never says anything. He remains loyal to Alex, a silent guardian of my secret.

The despair is suffocating. I feel trapped, caught between the two people I care about most, unable to move, unable to breathe. The room feels smaller, the walls closing in around me. I need to escape, need to feel something other than this crushing weight.

I reach for the small box hidden beneath my bed, the razor blade glinting in the dim light. The first cut is always the hardest, but once the blood flows, it’s like a dam breaking, a flood of emotions released in a single crimson stream. The pain is sharp, real, a welcome distraction from the chaos in my mind.

Tears blur my vision, hot and relentless. I am a mess of contradictions, loving two people, yet unable to love myself. The blood flows freely, and I watch it, detached, as if it belongs to someone else. In this moment, I am lost, adrift in a sea of my own making, the currents pulling me deeper into the abyss.

A soft knock on my door startles me. Panic floods my veins. I hastily cover my arm, the blood soaking into the fabric of my sleeve. The door creaks open, and Alex steps in, his face etched with concern.

“I’ve been calling you,” he says softly, his eyes searching mine. “I was worried.”

“I’m fine,” I lie, my voice hollow.

He steps closer, his gaze falling on my sleeve. He doesn’t say anything, but the look in his eyes tells me he knows. He’s always known. He kneels beside me, his hands gentle as he takes mine.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice cracks, and the pain in his eyes is like a knife to my heart.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, the words barely audible. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

He pulls me into his arms, holding me as if I might break. And in his embrace, I do. The tears fall freely, and I sob into his chest, my body shaking with the force of my grief.

“I love you,” he whispers, his voice breaking. “Please, don’t do this to yourself. Don’t shut me out.”

“I love you too,” I cry, but the words feel like a betrayal. How can I love him when my heart belongs to someone else?

In that moment, I realize I can’t keep living this lie. I pull away, my eyes meeting his, the truth burning in my throat.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” I begin, my voice trembling. “It’s about Daniel…”

He stiffens, the pain in his eyes deepening. “What about Daniel?”

“I… I love him,” I confess, the words tearing from my heart. “I’ve loved him for a long time.”

Silence falls between us, heavy and suffocating. He looks at me, his expression a mix of betrayal and sorrow.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, his voice barely a whisper.

“I was afraid,” I admit. “Afraid of losing you, of being alone. I didn’t know what to do.”

He stands, his hands clenched into fists. “You should have told me. I would have understood.”

“I’m so sorry,” I sob, my heart breaking. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

He turns away, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs. “I need some time,” he says, his voice choked with emotion. “I can’t do this right now.”

I watch him leave, the door closing with a finality that feels like a death sentence. I am alone, my heart shattered, my soul laid bare. The pain is unbearable, a void that threatens to consume me.

I look at the razor blade, still stained with my blood, and for a moment, I consider ending it all. The thought is tempting, a way to escape the torment. But then I think of Alex, of Daniel, of the people who care about me despite my flaws.

I can’t do this to them. I can’t leave them with the burden of my pain. I need to find a way to heal, to confront my demons and find some semblance of peace.

With trembling hands, I put the razor blade away, vowing to never use it again. I will face my fears, my insecurities, and find a way to live with the choices I’ve made.

The road ahead is uncertain, filled with pain and heartache, but I am determined to find a way through. For Alex, for Daniel, and most importantly, for myself.