I liked the concept of this little piece, Ken. And I really like the idea of the unknown singing to lure somebody in - I think there’s some truth to it somehow in real-life, right? We’re petrified of the unknown but somehow there’s still something alluring about it.
There are a couple of little things I can suggest which might take this piece to the next level.
First of all, unknown felt very repetitive at the start before we learn that it’s a central part to the piece. Since you personify the unknown I would perhaps even consider capitalising it and referring to it as the Unknown throughout. You might need to tweak some of the lines to make it sense but it could work well. (Check out Lover Of Wisdom by Sierra Rose. It was a piece written for this prompt yesterday and it worked really well with Wisdom personified).
Don’t forget “it’s” is short for “it is”. Unlike names where the apostrophe makes it possessive (for example Tom’s) to suggest possession with it you need to write “its”. No one heard ITS silent whispers.
The last line was cool, but it wasn’t 100% clear. What does it mean to discover what isn’t uncovered? You know what I think would have worked well? If it was a clever line that also played with “unknown” - perhaps something like: “I learnt in that moment that some things are best kept unknown”. I’m not sure. I’m sure you could come up with something better.
Great to see you submitting another piece, Ken! Keep it up 😊
