This man, 5’9, brown hair, brown eyes, wearing a sweatshirt and some jogging sweats, is your protagonist. His name is Greg. Do try to behave and be nice to him. Greg, you may imagine by his name, is some regular dude with a regular life. That was true until today: today he is now a contestant of the Hunger Games. 

Greg has been given a set of steps to follow as he embarks on his journey into this infamous blood sport. Firstly, he has to say goodbye to his loved ones and bring his personal belongings to the train station. Next, he is to pick a non-lethal item to carry with him. I wonder what that could be? After that, he is to take his sleeping medicine so that he can’t see where they are taking him. Lastly, he is to wake up under his “spawn point”. 

Greg awakes to an inky abyss, with a miniscule sliver of light shining in a pillar onto his eyelid. A hatch opens slowly above him, and as he looks around him he sees dozens of other “Players” standing under their respective hatches. The closest player makes eye contact with Greg. He’s not quite sure what to go for when addressing Greg (Greg has that effect on people), so he settles for a snarl with an eye twitch. At least that’s what he was going for, what actually happened was a random series of winks followed by the sounds of a cat hissing. 

The players asks Greg. “So… Are you ready to rumble?” 

Greg wordlessly nods.

The player, trying to play it cool and not act like this conversation was an attempt at social interaction before realistically getting murdered by some 12 year old stuck in a love triangle. He clears his throat and briefly drops the cool act. 

“What did you pick as your non-lethal item?”

There was a pause, the platforms that they were both standing on start to rise into the opening above them.  

“I-it’s okay! You don’t have to tell me. I-I brought a compass. I thought that would be useful.”

Greg reaches into his pocket and wraps his fingers around it, pulling it into view with one clean pull. In the light, the other player squints, trying to find out what it is. Greg smiles as he displays his item proudly. There it was, his 84 fl oz. bottle of coconut oil. That’s right, you’re hearing it here first: Greg is a freak.

And before you ask: yes. He did win.