With every passing hour I have ticked off in my head, the day I was taken fades further into distant memory and lines blur rapidly into blobs of color leaving distinct shapes to imagination.

58, 59, 60…noon…1, 2, 3…I scratch another line into the metal beneath my feet. It’s been 11 years, 5 months and 13 days.

For almost 12 years I have spent every day praying for my cage to be unlocked. I have swindled with the idea of standing upright amongst the crowd, looking into the faces of the familiar and expressing my thoughts out loud to those willing to listen.

I’m not even sure what I would sound like. I haven’t heard my voice in…well I’m not sure how long it’s been. What would I say? How would I say it?

I huddle against the bars at the back of my box and look straight in front of me. All I can hear is my heart throwing itself against the inside of my chest rapidly it tries to check itself and skips an occasional beat.

Im starving. I reach over to check my calendar etched into the ceiling of my metal hut. It’s been 4 days since my keeper unlocked the door to my cage and fled down the hallway.

58, 59…1300…1, 2, 3…I make another small mark and look over to my bowl. I have just enough water to make it another few hours.

Then what? Where’s my keeper? What will happen if I leave and am caught? I’ll be beaten and ignored.

I can take the beating. It’s being ignored that makes me fall deep into the folds of my mind. It’s scary in there. Sometimes I can’t get back out.

No. I can’t risk it. I look at my bowl again.

I have to. It’s been silent for too long. No one is left.

As I slowly make my way to the open door, I feel a tinge of guilt crawl over me. My cage is my safe place. It’s been my safe place for almost 12 years. Every hour I have spent of this planet is etched into its surface. I feel bad that I want to leave as if I’m leaving my mother an empty nester.

I’m sorry, I whisper over my shoulder and I crawl through the opening.

Still on my hands and knees I make my way down the dark hallway. I make sure to press my right side against the wall. It makes me feel smaller. I need to remain as invincible as possible in the Keeper comes around the corner and catches my abomination.

It’s almost 1400 hours. I need to mark it down but I can’t stand the thought of turning around now.

At the end of the hallway a light shines brightly through the crack of the door.

Freedom! I listen for sounds of moment. Nothing. Not a peep. Not even the snores of the Keepers pet. It feel suspicious. I feel brave. I feel alive. I feel awake for the first time in years.

I stand in front of the door and a white smudge catches my eye. It seems familiar. I’ve seen it before but can’t think of where. I reach out to touch it. It feels like home. It feels masculine. It’s soothing. I push on it. The door opens.

Hope drains from my face as reality stomps on my fantasy of running. I’m not in some remote location hidden in the jungles of Brazil. Or in some basement hidden beneath a house behind some hidden door.

I’m on a different floating space rock all together. I take a deep breath and watch my chest expand in front of me. I can no longer see my toes and I explode. I’m alarmed that I’m somehow still conscious and I watch my bits float all around me. Pieces of me absorb into the ground beneath me while others bounce off and turn black in the air. Where am I if I’m still here but not anywhere?

I see the Keeper. He walks up to me, peers down and plucks me off of a blade of grass like a sticky penny, shakes his head and sticks me in his pocket.

1500…1, 2, 3…