Unresolved Feelings

“Tonight will be our last sunset. You will never see me again.”


“Oh my god, you are so dramatic, you know that?” Bubbly laughter escaped my throat as I began pushing each of my cuticles back with my thumbnail.


Alec hovered above both me and the table as I kept my focus solely on my nails. The clanging of the bell set atop the door broke my concentration, as my next joke was interrupted my various screams and giggles entering inside the shop.


Sitting down across from me, Alec rested his forearms across the cool wood. “Bee, come on, I’m being serious.” As I met his gaze, a heaviness fell on my shoulders.


It wasn’t more than a moment before the realization crashed into the forefront of my mind.


“You got in.”


As I stared out at the worn down brick buildings, I glanced at each one with a new set of eyes. Snapshots of memories of my former teenage youth flashed before my eyes.


“When do you-“


More realization.


“Why did you wait until today to tell me?” Wiping the crumbs from my lips, I watched as his eyes paced back and forth, as if he was determining to hurt my feelings with the truth or if he’d attempt to comfort me with a lie.


Watching as his hair began to stick to his forehead, he let out a long sigh.


“Because if I’d been honest with you, it would’ve changed the dynamic of our friendship between us.” Alec and I had grown up together and this was the first lie he’d ever told me.


“You don’t think this news isn’t changing our friendship now?” Alec and I had been best friends since that fateful day in sixth grade when I transitioned into becoming a woman, unbeknownst to me. He’d acted as everything I could want in a friend through the years.


“If I’d told you earlier, you would’ve done something like-“ His voice caught in his throat, causing him to shake the thought away.


“Like what?” I could hear the accusation in my curt response. I tried to remain civil. I didn’t want to loose my patience in front of all these strangers.


Sighing, he placed his hand over mine, in that almost brother-type way. “Knowing you, you’d want to cram in a million trips we could take within the month. Like you’d want all of these memories of us now, because after I leave, my existence will fade from your memories.”


“Alec, I could never forget y-“


Speaking over me, he continued on. “Beatrice, I don’t want to end tonight with tears and unresolved feelings. I want to simply just be here with you. Like we’ve always been.”


Refusing to accept this new reality, I pushed myself away from the table, motioning over towards the bistro counter. “I’m getting another refill on my coffee. Do you want me to grab you another?”


Shaking his head, I watched as he pulled out his phone. Glancing at the screen, he quickly placed his phone back into his pocket.


Returning to the table a few minutes later, I attempted to steer the conservation back towards a better place.


“Are you excited?” I’d let my frustration and jealously get the better of me earlier. I needed to remind myself that we were only friends. As frustrating as that led me to feel sometimes.


Smirking, he gave a coy smile. “Terrified, actually.”


“You, Mr. Alec Swanson. Terrified?”


Trading his sarcastic tone for seriousness, he bore his stare into mine. “I really am scared though, Bee.” Glancing outside, the sunset was beginning to come into full bloom. The view from here allowed for only a sliver of the ocean to be seen, but the full view of violet and rose, folding overtop the coolness of the turquoise water was always a true sight to behold.


“Seattle isn’t like here. It rains all the time, and they have weird accents there.” Peering at the steam coming from my re-filled cup, I glanced over towards his fingers. Over and over, each finger hit the table, as if he were practicing his piano again. It had become an absentminded habit from when he first began his proper training.


“Not to mention that it’s halfway across the country from here.” The weight that statement carried was almost too much to bare.


He must’ve realized how close to breaking I was. Or maybe he was ready to break too and needed to be strong. Another brotherly habit. Taking one final glance out the window, he reached for his jacket. “Come on.”


Reaching for my purse, I stood alongside him, “Where are we going?”


“To see this last sunset together. Because you’re never going to see me after tonight.”


“Alec!”


Lacing his fingers with mine, he pulled me into his chest, giving a kiss to the side of my head. “Kidding. You’re gonna have to deal with me for many, many years.”


Thank god.

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