Crowds. I hate them with all my heart. The feeling of being pressed up between bodies, between people that I may not know, between people that might be dangerous, that’s scary. Very scary. When I’m in a crowd, my head starts throbbing and a loading banging noise sounds in my ears, like something is trying to escape. I wish I knew what.

The fear of crowds is ‘professionally’ called Enochlophobia. I suppose it can be associated with claustrophobia , the fear of small spaces, and social anxiety. Sometimes I can feel so stupid to be scared of something that most people don’t mind, even enjoy! My friends, Dani And Lily, go places on the weekends to have some fun before school starts, but I can never go because wherever they go, no matter where, there will be some sort of crowd! Small or big.

My phone starts ringing on my bedside table as I lie in bed, my thoughts drifting from how much I’ve missed out on because of this stupid phobia and what to eat for breakfast. I pick it up and see the call is from Lily.

“Hey Olivia, please please please come with us to the beach! We’ve found one that is pretty isolated, but there will be a small crowd. It’s summer and everyone wants to go the beach. Please,” she begs. I think about the people on the beach and an image drifts passed my eyes of old women in bathing suits pressing up against me as they ask me to put sunscreen on their backs.

Then I think about everything I’ve missed out on. I haven’t gone on a single school excursion because the bus makes me feel like dying. I can’t join any clubs because everything I’m interested in is packed with people. I can’t go to the shopping mall with friends on the weekend because I can’t handle the jostle of people. Thinking about it now, I really can’t do anything! At all!

“You know what, yes, I will come!” I say and I hear Lily squeal through the phone, deafening my ear.

“Yes, this is amazing. I’ll come pick you up at 1pm and then we’ll grab Dani. Make sure you’re in your bathers when I come!” She says excitedly, her happiness getting me happy.

The clock ticks by and the hour hand inches closer and closer to the ominous 1. The doubt starts to kick in and more images fly by of different scenarios that could occur. What if we decide to get ice cream and the line is very long? We would have to wait with a whole crowd of people.

No, stop this Olivia I am literally hoping for things to go wrong. I take a deep breath and gulp the fresh air drifting from my window that I so desperately need. It’s okay, if things go wrong, they’ll go wrong, but atleast I tried. I tried my very damn best and I think I can live with that.