Sometimes I just want to be held… nothing more, nothing less

Something about that makes me feel safe.

Are you capable of that?

… just being present for nothing but, just to be?

Still waters run deep, therefore my surface seems placid but, my undercurrent is strong and difficult to navigate at times.

So I ask… What kind of swimmer are you?

Do you prefer wadding in still shallow water?

Or do you dive recklessly into the deep unknown?

I have these nightmares which torment me from time to time

I’ve dreamed of my death and multiple lifetimes.

And the deaths of loved ones or people I know with freakish accuracy

And I dream of future events that will take place before they actually do

Since I was a child, I’ve internalized everything… anger, guilt, fear, sadness, remorse, regret…

And I’ve always felt like I’ve never quite measured up

Can you imagine what that feels like at times?

In spite of my weaknesses and inequalities, I’ve learned some things about myself…

My heart is feral, but my essence is gentle…

I’m slow to anger and I’m slow to pass judgement

And, I’m all to forgiving to those unworthy it

I cry when I’m genuinely moved by beautiful things or moments and nothing about that embarrasses me

I’ve learned that a friend to everyone is a true friend to no one…

And I’ve learned that to know true love was worth the pain of losing it…

Mama always said that there’s nothing worse than man you couldn’t please but, I never told her that I’d ever met one that could be in first place.

I’ll consider myself lucky if I never have to bury another child.

I’ll consider myself lucky if get to hold my future grandchildren.

I’ll consider myself lucky to grow old with my beautiful husband.

I’ll consider myself lucky if I could die in presence of someone who loves me.

I’ll consider myself blessed if my sons marry women who value family and children.

I’ll consider myself lucky if bare witness to all my boys accomplishments.

And whoever coined term, “nothing breaks like a heart” had it right from start…

I’ve been destroyed in the most beautiful way possible and the very root of how or why… was love… pure, unconditional, unwavering love.