As I stare down from the chair I reflect upon my life, the choices I’ve made that have lead me here. They say when faced with mortality your life flashes before your eyes, and when I reflect I only see and feel disgust with myself. A loathing and hatred. I’ve lost this fight with life and the void stares back welcomingly. I close my eyes and smell the crisp night air, I hear cars drive past my apartment window, the silence in between cars filled with a light rain. Maybe self preservation instincts are making me delay my end, but in this moment each smell and sound and feeling is tranquil bliss. As I finally prepare to step off the chair I notice just how uncomfortable and itchy the noose is, I ignore my instincts to pull it from around my neck to free myself from its embrace. Suddenly I hear a soft and calming voice, “Why do you choose to meet me so soon?”. Startled I nearly fall off of my perch but manage to catch my balance, “Whh-who are you?” I finally manage to choke out of sudden shock are the figure before me. “Why you invited me over this fine autumn evening dear boy”, her soft voice soothes my fright swiftly as a mother’s voice would calm a crying infant. “I am Lord Death’s faithful servant, you humans have taken to calling me The Grim Reaper. However I simply am a guide to the beyond, and I’m simply one of many.” I feel goosebumps creep across my arms as I manage to compose myself further, “So then tonight I finally go through with it then?” As I say the words I notice my head unwillingly bows its self in shame, in defeat.

Somehow she makes it across the room to me in what feels an instant and I feel her warm hand gently raise my head from its defeated position. “Dear boy, that choice still is yours, I have finally come to guide you in whichever direction you wish to proceed. Be that life or death.” Her words are warm and gentle, but how calm she remains given the circumstance makes me unnerved. This is my life after all and she makes it seem so easy to just decide to live. Acts like I have a choice in the matter. I feel a warm anger rise inside me, “My life isn’t worth living anymore! Everything has gone awfully wrong! All of my friends abandoned me, my family disowned me, wife cheated on me, I don’t even get to visit my daughter! Why the fuck would I want to keep fighting through this bullshit!?” I feel the heat of anger fade into the warmth of tears as I try to maintain balance on the chair. Her gentle hand slips the noose from around my neck, and I feel a sudden relief from the coarse rope that was digging into the tissue. She then takes my hand and guides me from my chair, I step down hesitantly yet obedient. Then collapse onto my knees sobbing. Yet another failed attempt I can’t help but to think. “This is no failure my boy, simply a delay should you wish to proceed after tonight” I stare up to her, vision blurred from tears still flooding my eyes. Her dark robes flowing like smoke, her pale face beautiful, yet still as the dead. She looks almost corpse-like, like a cadaver rose from the morgue just to visit me. “Why me?” I think to myself, “What have I done to deserve this woman, this reaper to visit me in this time of my demise?” As my thoughts wander she reaches a hand to me, and without question I take it, and she helps me rise to my feet. She brushes away my tears and smiles a gentle smile. “We reapers, well as I said that’s what your kind have taken to calling us, we prefer guides. We visit each soul that may prematurely take their life, either guiding them back to living or to the Kingdom of Lord Death. The choice always remains theirs, we offer no judgement in their decision, simply supporting whatever they may choose to do.” Her calm demeanor radiates throughout the room, somehow lighting the darkness in a soft glow not unlike the gentle glow of candles.

I stare at her, hesitant to speak my mind, afraid to consider questioning her. Despair and shame creep back over me, despite her warming aura. Yet again I find myself bowing my head in shame. “Dear boy, I feel great pain inside you. Yet a shame I know shouldn’t exist within you. You see yourself a villain in your own story, a burden on your loved ones. Someone that isn’t worth saving. Tonight I will show you both worlds, that of the living and that of the dead. All we offer is perspective before you truly decide your fate.” Her words echo in my mind, the burden of shame falls off my shoulders like taking off heavy armor. “So you don’t think I’m some lost cause? Some nobody that doesn’t matter?” I ask, sincere with a sinking feeling, like maybe I have some chance still. “We offer no judgements in the land of Lord Death, what comes of your soul truly is based solely on your own actions. Such is free will. The evil do indeed suffer a great deal, though it is caused by a great shame that washes over one in their end. No righteous judgements, simply their own self evaluation. The terms of their eternity are complex and a mortal mind cannot fully comprehend it. But you will understand when your time has come. Each story is unique, each ending unique, each fate unique.” She extends her hand again, offering her guidance. I take it and we start walking towards the window, looking at the dark sky, the wet asphalt, the lights of the city in the distance. The midnight rain truly is a beautiful sight. Suddenly the window changes, peering into a scene not unfamiliar. My family sitting at the table, about to dine on what looks like a nice roast. “This happened hours ago, around 8 this evening I’d say. But watch and listen” she explains without looking at me. They start speaking while starting to dig in to their meal. “I haven’t heard from Arther lately, have you honey?” my mom asks my dad. “Haven’t seen or heard from him in at least a month, I hope he’s handling the divorce alright. I know it’s really eating at him.” He looks sincerely worried, and for me no doubt. I watch his face closely as he takes his next bite. “You know what? We should surprise him tomorrow and go visit him, maybe invite him out for a nice lunch.” My mom says excitedly. “That sounds like exactly what I’d want if I were in his shoes, if he won’t lean on us for support, or is trying to be strong and get through this on his own, I’m sure as hell going to make certain he knows his family will always be here for him.” My dad replies happily. They continue to eat in peaceful silence, each deep in thought, yet equally peaceful as if lost in this moment of cozy comfort.

In a stunned silence I think to myself, “They’d certainly happen upon my body first, would I be okay with that?” Staring at my family comfortably eating and excitedly planning to come see me, support me, spend time with me. The window slowly fades back to the view of the streets and city from my third story apartment. “They wouldn’t understand this pain though, this complete feeling of defeat and despair. How could they? They’ve been happily married for thirty long and happy years. Sure there have been hard times, loss of loved ones a, fights, sickness. But to feel so completely isolated, so empty and broken. My time has come.” I think to myself, “Yeah it’s unfair they would be the ones to happen upon my corpse, but mind as well be the last people that love me see me at the end”. My memories drift to a simpler time, practicing soccer drills with my daughter. Playing goally while she practices scoring. She smiles with each kick, no matter how many I manage to block, seeing her face so happy to just be spending time with me at our home. Back when it was our home. Reflecting at the times, her and I just lost in the moment. Happy together, teaching her anything I knew and know. Showing her the simple and goodness of life. Even when I didn’t know the answers, helping her figure things out. Being the very best dad to her I could be, despite being so lost in work, so lost in life. She is my world, the very best legacy I could ever leave, and I’m going to leave her, leave her for good. Lost in thought I hardly notice the window warp and change again, a new scene forming. This one entirely unfamiliar. I now look at my now ex wife sitting at my daughter’s bedside seemingly comforting her. “Shhh sweetheart, I’m sure Daddy is doing okay. I know this change is hard, but you’ll still see him, you’ll visit and even get to stay with him sometimes. We just need to figure out the details. But I swear Daddy still loves you to the moon and back. And he knows you love him entirely”, I look deeply into my daughter’s distraught face, seeing her tears brings out my own. “She’s planning on working out visitation?!” I exclaim aloud in shock. “It certainly would seem so” the reaper says softly. “But keep watching”. I watch the scene unfolding transfixed. My ex wife stands and gently kisses our daughter’s forehead and hugs her tight. I see my daughter starting to calm and my ex wife stands and walks toward the doorway. Looking back as my daughter starts to fall asleep, clearly exhausted by emotion. She closes the door gently and starts talking quietly to someone I can’t make out, “I am worried about Arther, he isn’t handling things well and its that unstablity that makes me question visitation. He’s been drinking more and more, last I saw him he reeked of bourbon and cigarette smoke. As if he’s drinking away his paychecks.” She looks genuinely concerned. “He just needs time to come to terms with things, to accept your feelings. He isn’t a bad person, feelings just changed. He wasn’t the man you fell in love with, work consumed him and he just couldn’t realize how badly you were in need of hi, he failed you, no matter how many times you begged and pleaded for him to just open up and take the time to talk with you.” The figure says, as I realize just who this is, her mother. Someone entirely biased towards her, but can I blame her? She is just trying to support her daughter and obviously owes me no alliance. I see my ex’s face hollow and full of sorrow, as if mourning what once was. “I do still love him Mom, no matter his faults, no matter how neglectful he became. The only reason I left was because I needed to look out for my well being, I couldn’t fight any longer, I couldn’t keep fighting for something he couldn’t see was slipping through our fingers.” She says quietly, sounding as if she is fighting back tears.

“See”, I start, “it was all my fault, I didn’t see things falling apart right before me. They are better off without me as some burden. They will get over me living or not, love me still or not. I fucked up and this is my end.” I start weeping quietly, unable to fight back tears any longer. “The choice still remains yours, and yours alone. Lord Death simply felt you deserved to see that your life does still hold true in the hearts of the people you love, you matter. However if you wish to proceed there is simply one last scene to observe before I leave you to make your choice. now watch”. She says peacefully as she waves an arms to clear the current scene. Another glimpse at the quiet rainy night sky, the flickering street light seems to flash into a vortex, light spinning as the next scene unfolds. A gentle fog creeps over graves, tombstones littered everywhere in neat rows. All line a gravel walkway that leads to a massive castle in the center. everything feels cold, quiet. More quiet than I thought possible. Then I hear the gentle sobs, a small group of what look like apparitions gather around a lone grave, freshly dug. However I see the body through the dirt, through the coffin. I look upon myself, dressed in my finest suit sobbing. I gasp at the sight but she shushes me to continue to watch. I see the group start to form into being, it of course is each loved one. My parents, my siblings, my ex wife and even her mother. Lastly my daughter on her knees begs and pleads to the heavens to take this back, “He’s too good to take away, please god if you’re there bring him back!” I whimper hearing her absolute desperation. Her mother holds her and she looks so broken. Not bothering to even try and look strong.

“What the fuck is this?!” I yell through tears. “Some attempt to fabricate what’ll be?! Some last ditch effort to change my mind?!”. She looks at me questioningly, “As I told you before, the choice remains yours. These scenes are simply to broaden your view to what you leave in your wake. Not to influence, simply to give you a bigger picture that life in every being has impact. You see, Lord Death is deeply in love with Life, yet he can never hold and cherish it, simply care for her children that come to their end. He built a world to watch over all the souls that have perished, allowing each unique individual to cope with their death by their own means.” She looks deep into my eyes and I feel such an indescribable sincerity. “Death loves Life?” I ask without fully digesting everything she told me. “More than anything in this world or any world, But they can never be together, for life without death is meaningless. Knowing there is an end to each story, a conclusion. Even the premature losses give us a perspective. Make each one of us value what we have in life. Time is finite after all, and tomorrow is never guaranteed. You will die someday, be that tonight or years from now, nothing is pre-written, nothing promised. And those that love you will hurt just as badly whenever that does happen. So no, I have no intention of altering your opinion, simply to give you this perspective and appreciation.” she exrtends a hand to raise me from my knees, having not even noticed I’d collapsed. “Now I must leave you to your own thoughts and contemplations. Know when your time comes, tonight or some other day, I will see you again to guide you to the next plane of existence.” I take her hand as she helps me up, she gives me a sudden hug. Loving and warm, making me fully understand that these beings, just as Lord Death, love the living. They love life.

Just as suddenly as she appeared, she’s gone. I’m left alone, back on the chair, back with the scratchy noose around my neck. I must have imagined everything.”Of course I did, how could anything like that have been real? But I can’t help but start considering this mental journey I just traversed. Could things really improve? My end is inevitable, I could simply expedite it and end my pain. My family and friends will hurt and mourn no matter what, right?” I think as if trying to convince myself to take this final step off the chair. “But what if I do get visitation? I would love to see Ashley grow up and graduate and get a job, teach her to drive. Protect her from as much hurt as I can but support her through any pain she faces. Make sure she doesn’t ever feel this alone.”. I slowly pull the noose from my neck, realizing she is what I have to live for, if only so I can protect her from ever feeling like this. “She will always have me, she’ll never be alone.” Removing the noose I feel instant relief from the itch from the rope, I step down from the chair and look up to the noose tied to my ceiling fan. “My end could be right here, just a single step. Life is so fragile and can be snuffed so fast. But my story doesn’t end so soon.” I stand firm in this choice and walk to my balcony, enjoying the crisp night air, the smell of the rain on the concrete below. “Facing death each small thing feels deeper now. Things I took for granted now seem to have some deeper meaning. What was it I imagined that made me step down from that chair? I can’t recall what it was, a woman? I shake my head and focus my thoughts towards the future, I have much more life to live and far more love to give. When I can’t manage to be strong for myself, I will always be strong for you Ashley.” Thinking and making this vow.