I wish I was like them

At this point who knows whether I don’t know who I am or don’t like who am I… maybe I do know who I am but cannot except the fact that it is truly me because I hate myself. I look at these other girls who are completely different from me and fit so well with society. I try to be like them and when I come close to fitting in why do I hate it? Am I fitting in or am I trying to be someone I’m not? Because clearly I’m doing something! Maybe I’m ashamed of femininity maybe I want my masculine energy to dominate once again but it’s slowly slipping because I no longer want to be in control and that scares me because if I’m not in control than I have no voice… or is it that I don’t want to be masculine because that might be the reason why girls don’t like me or don’t vibe with my energy? I could fit in society but to do that I have to change, but what if being the outcast is what is needed.