The gulls float on the inward coastal breeze. Perfectly content with their position in the world. Up high, above the waters break. Not letting the force of the open ocean winds push them back. Instead, they sit in suspended animation, awaiting for the perfect time where the winds push them on. It’s a funny thing, watching birds. It isn’t any different than people. We go about life the same way, up against a force that we can’t see but we feel. When we feel high, we can’t realize we aren’t moving, but we are content.

I have no idea why I focused on these birds for so long, it’s like part of me wanted to be up there with them instead of sitting on the starboard upper deck of this damn cruise ship. It isn’t a vacation, it’s an escape. A final ditch effort to try and fix things, and when it all fails, as it seems to do, It ends. I had been convinced this time would be different, that life would be so freeing out on the open ocean, and here I sit, surrounded by drunk love birds whose only thing on their minds amid this vast ocean is how much booze they can drink before the next dip in the hot tub. Shit. I’d rather be with the birds.

My wife, is a wonderful woman. The kind of woman who glides into a room and people just notice her, want to talk to her, to be in her presence. I am quite positive that she is lounging on the port side pool, drink in hand, telling a story and having every ear within earshot fully invested into what happened at the last company function before we embarked on this “fantastic and exciting step in life” as she had been saying since we booked the tickets.

When my gaze finally broke from the gulls, I looked out at the water, then to my left, and then my right to find I was completely alone on the observation deck. “If this isn’t a perfect summary of my life, I don’t know what else is” I thought as I slowly rose to my feet. I turned to the seagulls, as if to make them aware of my presence before I depart for the evenings scheduled event, a pool side movie, on a big inflatable screen, probably a poor boat pun movie like Captain Ron or Overboard. We are cruising, at a steady 18 knots in the middle of a vast ocean we know nothing about and I’m about to spend my evening pretending to be excited about a 30 yr old movie on a boat.

Overboard, maybe that’s the answer. The gulls seem so free and they aren’t attached to possessions or trying to hold a marriage together that’s been long falling apart. Maybe if I just jumped. Maybe it’ll end, maybe I’ll get sucked under the cruise ship, that would really be freeing.

I look over at the staircase, my wife is walking up with a group of friends you would’ve thought she had known her whole life, but they were strangers. No doubt. That’s the trap, you feel included in her life but you’re basically just a blank face. I should know I’ve been married to her for the last five years and all I feel anymore is exhaustion.

“Wade, Wade honey please come say hi to Charlie and Michelle and Tim and Linda.” She says from about 25 feet away, “Charlie is in finance as well, says he would love to pick your brain.”

“Hello” I say reaching my hand out, but before I can shake who I am assuming is Charlie’s hand my wife buts in and says that “we all are going to the bar down below, having a couple rounds of shots and then moving towards the pool to get a good view of the screen, Overboard is one of my favorite movies …” she goes on and on, but I don’t listen, just as fast as they walked up to me they turned around and I made my move.

I didn’t even think, I just reacted. It was instinctual, maybe I was a fucking bird in my past life but I never quite figured out the flapping of my wings to get the draft to let me soar, instead I crashed down hard like a pallet of bricks dropped from a crane.

I like to think she saw me jump but I doubt it.