I don't know why. I just couldn't help myself. I just had to find out more about this man. I knew it was wrong but something told me it was right.
So as I drove to meet up with him that night, I was excited. But nervous. And the ridiculous surge of the evolving emotions that fluttered around in my gut, was chaotic. I didn't really understand it. And I really didn't care that I didn't.
The many days and the unforgettable nights that came after, went by way too fast, when I now think back. It was simple. It was fun. It was nice.
For once in my life, I was BEING! It didn't feel forced. There wasn't this expectancy, this rushed kinda feeling I was used to feeling. But it also was risky, daring, unexpected at the same time. But those feelings weren't in the foreground. Those came with the feelings of doubt. That I got on a rare occasion as I would be laying in bed at night thinking to myself what the hell is happening?
And I don't know why...I just couldn't help myself....
As I started to fall in love with the most incredible creature that had ever before been placed in front of me! This man that gave me parts of the ME that the world never knew, that I was intriguingly but nervously, getting slowly introduced to.
And I gave it all I could, as I let the walls fall down so loudly around my sturdy structure that was becoming more weak, swaying more and more with each pounding heart beat. But I smiled a smile that I had never had before. It showed through. I saw it every time I caught a glimpse in the mirror, or by how easy things seemed to be going on any day that I was around this beautiful man.
But it wasn't enough. I wasn't on time. Or time wasn't on my side. I was too late.
Because right around the time I dove head first into what I knew was going to fill me up with the greatest unknown feeling I would ever know, he was gone. Just like that. That was all it took.
Me, giving up the stubborn barricades that protected my heart that I vowed, and even expressed to him a time or two, that I would never again allow to be vulnerable, that was when he would get ripped away from me. His time had come. But he forgot to say goodbye. He was gone too fast and I didn't get to say goodbye. Or tell him that I was so much in love with him, even after the many arguments I lost with myself, thinking I wasn't.
He was mine for that short summer. But I will be his from then, now, and forever.
