Aves C.T.M
Just a girl who’s finished university and hopes to infuse her turmoil into the words she writes
Aves C.T.M
Just a girl who’s finished university and hopes to infuse her turmoil into the words she writes
Just a girl who’s finished university and hopes to infuse her turmoil into the words she writes
Just a girl who’s finished university and hopes to infuse her turmoil into the words she writes
i am those you love, i am those you lost, those you won’t give up, no matter the cost.
i am those who hurt, those who hurt you. not to cause pain, so you feel as we do.
those who flicker lights, who closed the doors, those you will grieve, those you had adored.
those who you miss, ones you pray for. i am those you hold, i, who left you torn.
we, who left you crying, those who dug that hole. those who are gone, who left you less than whole.
do not miss us too much we are here at your side. even if not now, we’ll be in the next life.
feet in the earth digging into mud i need to learn is this your love
clawing at dirt down to six feet heart stings to hurt a hurt too deep
to see you again a marvelous thing this cannot end this sweet yearning
nails bitten down my fingers be empty in this ghost town clung to my body
a phantom misplaced a haunting beauty let me have a taste i adore you truly
i will join you in paradise we can linger together trapped in a warm vice your possession cannot weather
at your side i’ll burn still in heaven i’ll be they’ll bury my urn desecrate beside me
I’ll forever keep us in this moment burned into my mind with the sweetest pain. How could i forget you? It’d be torment to hardly recall how we felt that day. Drowned in your blue eyes, in those deep waters I hold your memory that I savour. Please, let me sink deeper in these tortures without you i have lost my sole saviour. Blinding lights yet I can only see you. As the sun rose I panicked to recall your stunning image and my love-struck view; I couldn’t forget, I’d never be whole. I’d miss it- feeling that you were just mine, when without me you wouldn’t bat an eye.
I had two choices, offering possibilities littered with infinite concoctions of mistakes and successes. Could I live again with the karma I had collected in this lifetime, or forever be damned in those torturous seven levels.
I was but one man, my mind cursed with a limited understanding of what eternity was. Was there such a thing as never-ending pain? Would I eventually grow used to the weights crushing me; the sensation of tearing sinew and the piercing of hot pokers?
‘CHOOSE!’
A booming voice sounded, whether it be in my head or proof of His existence, I couldn’t decipher between the two. I had always been told He would judge me, judge I be cast into fire or feel the bliss of paradise forevermore.
Instead, He was far crueller. Just as the pain I’d inflicted came from my hand, so did my torturous destiny as it stared back at me.
Such a simple word: choose. Choose my punishment just as I chose who lived and who died. I would not have savoured it so much if I knew this came down to me. Both choices provided no clarity to what awaited me yet both promised a lifetime of pain; minute compared to the pain that poisoned my lifetime. A venom had frothed at my mouth since a child and there was no cure for you or me.
‘CHOOSE!’
My body jolted and one foot gained on the bolt to my left, still and static but didn’t have a sound like the buzz of electricity. Emanating from the blinding white light was the buzz of life- laughter, sobbing, squeals, mindless chatter that littered the earth. A tear threatened to escape my eye but I couldn’t fathom the sensation let alone let the tear roll.
I didn’t dare approach the other, I could feel the evil aura plaguing its enchanting light, its comfort a juxtaposition to the fate it offered.
Did I have a choice, truly? Either way, it’s better to choose the devil you know. So with a tremble, my hand reached toward the solitary bolt, rising to make contact. The anxiety was thick in my throat, clogged my sinuses, claustrophobically filling my body (until I could no longer call it mine), as a lone finger stretched out toward the bolt then-
Suddenly, there was no end or beginning, no pollen or flower, no day or night. Just I trying to balance on two short and chubby legs as I remained fixated on my reflection.
A small girl stared back at me in the mirror, my first glimpse of my consciousness in this new life. She was tiny with golden, blonde pigtails and a pink playsuit clothing her body. I looked like a doll, a beautiful cupid baby, a cherub. My face was unearthly symmetrical and my eyes a deep blue mimicking aquamarine.
I cried just as my victims had: with a sick, painful, bile-sloshing realisation. A child’s screeching sobs echoed throughout the house but no parent or grandmother could console me. Even as the man I was, I could not differentiate between the girl and my fearful wails.
Now knowing that, inevitably, a man like I would come to split my body; one day sooner than later.
My palour flushed a green hue as I acknowledged there was never a choice in the first place. Hell was all He could give me. This was all I deserved.
I feared what I was cursed to be… my prey.
the scars on my heart implanted in the brain beat pumps blood clots wicked like tooth decay
the scars on my heart seeped deep inside soul twisted sick bowl out of belly bile climbs
the scars on my heart constellations on arms black mould beauty spots adrenaline pounds alarms
the scars on our hearts hearts be intertwined burrowed in the darkness even demons couldn’t find
(1) when the stars align, know they do for you. (2) the moon wanes, knowing it couldn’t compete, (3) as you heavenly shine, so brightly- true. (4)** i would be anything**, be your heart beat. (5) you, my child, are my reason for living, (6) two souls in one body, forever tethered. (7) how could i live without you? dark thinking, (8) it will not pass, forever together. (9) i laboured for so long just to hold you, (10) against my skin you’ll only have sweet dreams. (11) half of me yet still a delicate view. (12) always at my side, mothers never leave. (13) i give you my soul, body and my mind. (14) you, the one angel, i take as my guide.
cleavage hastily covered keys between fingers how the males hovered hungry eyes lingered
scraping for the top nail polish deep red pulled to an abrupt stop glass ceilings meet head
bodies pushed and pulled toys for the violent dogs beaten then lovingly called eyes blinded in rose fog
choices given at their avail a whisper of his power blindingly chasing tails forgetting when to cower
stand on two feet marred pain in tall, pointy shoes on leashes to not stray far believing not more to do
for this is all they know this sick, silent oppression if devils speak in loving tones they’ll think hell is heaven
birds free from cages freedom at fingertips her fight has faded he maintains his eclipse
hands run down press into fine threads comfort tranquility sewn so mindless
eyes that scour everywhere but below useless futile meaningless windows
i will be loved undressed by fingers sure sturdy eyes do not linger
for my face is true not the garbs i wear inferior unworthy wild breaths in my hair
they will be thrown discarded to floors unfeeling uncaring drifting to new shores
for it’s the body inside not the golden strings light beauty all that’s within