As I stare into those ocean blues I breath more fluidly. As I run my hand across the soft brown of your hair and down to the stubble of your cheeks I am reminded that you are beside me each day. The curvature of your blush lips captivates me and I swoon. Who could resist the sweetest smile? And then I see the way you look to me and I begin to see myself not for what I thought I was, but for who you know I am. I see this in your face, the glowing face of my moon.
It was my heart you ignited With a thousand words and then some I felt like I had won the race I thought you were my sun
But now I sit and feel ashamed Of the woman I had become For you, you thought you were king For me the riches came none
When you actions became more erratic And your words began to kill I realized what truly was And shed my skin to heal
Anyone with a form of object attachment knows where it formed. From that one piece of childhood that started it all. Their beloved toy. For some kids it’s a magical blanket of comfort, and for others it’s a stuffed animal that never left their side.
This isn’t that story. This about my childhood bear indeed, but it’s not what you think.
I grew up in a very poor suburb in Pennsylvania and I was raised by my mothers best friend. My mother disappeared when I was just a few days old and my moms best friend {Avalea} found me cuddled around my teddy bear in her back garden. She had no idea how I got there and tried tirelessly to find my mother for weeks until she gave in to the fact that she either did not want to, or could not be found.
This bear had been with me my whole life, but it never made me feel close to my mom. It was the only thing I had from her but I felt no attachment to it. In fact I often tried to get rid of the old brown bear, but Avalea always made sure it got back to me.
It wasn’t until one night I sat there staring up at the bumpy ceiling of my room that things changed. The only thing you could hear were the distant sounds of sirens outside and the rustling of the tree branches in the gentle wind. Then all the sudden my bear, who sat atop my tall wooden dresser toppled to the ground. Thinking nothing of it I got out of bed, mumbled some irritations from my mouth and sat it back where it was. As soon as I turned around it fell off again.
I let out a big huff and threw the bear across my bed and into the wall.
“The stupid bear must be so worn out that it’s barely stuffed head is making it unbalanced now. Useless toy!” I thought.
I climbed back into bed and fell asleep quickly.
The next day as the sun rose and my alarmed sounded I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes only to let out a dull scream. The bear was back on top of the dresser. I looked to the side of the bed where I had thrown it and back to the dresser. How?
I stood up eying the bear the entire time and moved toward my door. Once I had the knob in grasp I turned it quickly and ran down the hall to the bathroom. I took a few long breaths and calmed myself down. Maybe it was just part of my dream. Just a very realistic part of my dream. I washed my face and took one more long breath and went back out to the hall. On the way to the kitchen I passed my room and glanced to see if the bear had moved. It was still on the dresser. It must of just been my imagination.
I sat at our metal table in the kitchen and poured myself some cereal. I ate slowly pondering what had happened and if I had really made it up when Avalea walked in.
“Nef.... Nef? Nef are you alright?” She yelled.
I shook my head and gave a slight grin, “Yeah I’m alright! I was just thinking about something weird. I thought I threw my bear to the floor last night, but I must have been dreaming” I replied with a subtle laugh at the end.
“Ohh.. well it happens. Why do you keep that old thing around anyway? It’s always been the center of your weird dreams since you were like 3!”
I sat there looking confused. I don’t remember having any weird dreams about my bear, and wait.. “ Well every time I try to get rid of it you always put it back into my room..” I sat there staring at Avalea’s face change as I said that. She looked just as confused as I was.
“I never knew that you tried to get rid of it Nef... if I did know I would’ve supported you all the way. I just figured you kept it to be closer to your mom.”
My stomach sunk. If she wasn’t placing the bear back each time then who was?
No one ever tells you When you are young That you will be stung But that the stories are true
No one ever tells you That as you grow The more you gain to know The more there are few
It is something I understand Something I craved for years And now I have that
This was never planned But fought for through tears And happiest here I am at
Have you ever met someone whose eyes carry the stars and the moon and even they don’t know it yet?
Someone who has been through life and judges not, but listens with a steady ear.
She’s often caught between her thoughts and her emotions and it’s that which she can’t decipher that gives her more knowledge.
She knows not what to cook or what to wear, but she knows what means most of all, how to be there.
It’s something that not everyone knows how to do, or how to do well.
But she wears her heart and comes with love, and knows more than all I have ever met.
You love me by controlling what I say and do And you love me by telling me how I feel You love me through the things you buy You love me by your home cooked meal
You say I am so horrid each day You say I am not faithful You say I lack the ability to laugh You say I am I am not worth the play
I know now what is wrong with us It’s you, not me For myself now I’ll always trust
