I’ve waited for ages. Waited to write my thoughts and feelings, see them on paper. And that day came and went.

So many days have passed. But no more. I’m leaving this platform today. Deleting my account tomorrow.

Say your goodbyes- if anyone even cares.

I fought so hard. I fought to keep myself together. I never let myself cry. I blamed you, not me.

Then you stopped showing up. I haven’t seen you since. Why do I even care?

I’m still fighting. Fighting a useless battle, trying to attack the shadows of you that still lurk inside me.

I don’t cry. But right now, thinking of you and your cuts and your smile and your absence, I could cry.

I want to cry, but it would be giving up. I will not let those tears fall I will stay strong for now. For now, I will not give up.

You are insignificant. A tiny speck of dust or grime. You don’t talk to me. You never talk to me. And yet you say you love me.

You are so small, so weak and tiny. So why do I care? Why do I care if you kill yourself.

You’re a speck of dust, one I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of. I breathed you in and you went into my heart and never left.

I’m not sure I want you to.

I told myself I was okay. I told them I was okay. I told myself I didn’t need to talk to anyone about it.

And yet I still feel nothing. And yet you still linger in my mind. And yet you’re still not in school. And yet she left, and I weep. And yet I want to apologize.

Apologize for what? I don’t know yet.

With people, We hide ourselves. We sweep away the things we really like, replacing them with things they like. In hopes we become something, someone they like.

Without people, We still hide. We hide from ourselves. We do not cry or show weakness. We don’t want to be weak. Us as a whole just want to fit in.

We can’t show ourselves, even to ourselves.

I was okay once. I had friends, a family that loved me. Sitting by the ocean, watching the waves crash.

But then she came along Showing me things I didn’t need to see Every cut, every bruise a small wave But then she encouraged me. The tide came in and swept it all away.

I grow further from my friends, I hide so much from my family, I feel dead inside. My innocence, my happiness swept away by her waves.

The poppies let their sweet, sleepy powder float into the air, setting it free as I watch, wishing that could be me.

The ball flies at my head. Everything slows. I see, in painfully slow replay, my fumble. I hear jeering. I was daydreaming, daydreaming of being Away from here, take me anywhere but here- I pick up the ball, pass it to the other team. Trying to ignore my teammates’ death stares. The game goes on.

The game’s going great, nobody even seems to remember my fumble. I’ve gotten two points, and the ball comes to me- I catch it!- I drop it.

This reporter won’t go away. His eager face glides into the corner of my vision. Nagging at me. It’s astonishing to me how much those puppy-dog eyes can persuade. He hits me with a barrage of questions, not even stopping to breathe. The weight of these questions takes my breath away. Talking about my family’s death like it’s just a story- My feelings, raw feelings, engulf my mind. I can’t think. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.

They told me from day one- “She’s not who she says she is. She’s going to hurt you in some way.” __ I didn’t listen; I thought I could fix her. In the end, she and I were too broken.

We were broken together, Which, most of the time, Is better than being broken alone. This time, we broke each other more. She said she was fine. I said I was fine.

Turns out, both of us are liars.