Don’t let yourself float away to the moon, or you’ll miss the flowers under your feet that bloom. Don’t miss the chance to fill your heart because you’re too busy trying to find the room. Don’t leave your faith anywhere on that path focusing too much on the formidable doom. And most importantly, make sure that you’re here today because it’ll all be gone real soon.
From the parking lot, I could tell that the restaurant was as busy as it would be on a Friday night that also happened to be Valentines Day. I clasped my jacket closed, pushed pass the bitterness of the wind, and made my way inside. The sounds of chatter and clinking dishes greeted me while the host smiled and welcomed me in. “How many?” She asked with the eagerness that only someone who enjoyed their job could offer. “Just one.” I smiled.
If this was weeks ago, I wouldn’t dare think to treat myself to dinner alone on a night where so many people were out showcasing their relationships, but it actually felt like a good idea so far. It felt better than sitting in front of the tv, watching another series centering the love life of others to distract me from the lack of my own. I told myself that I would show up different for myself this year and this was the perfect start since I spent the first month rotting in bed.
The host lead me to a secluded booth that gave me a view of the entire restaurant, a seat that I never noticed when I came here before. I felt an immediate sense of relief when I settled in and realized that everyone was too occupied with their own conversations and meal to pay me any mind. As much as I avoided the experience of going out alone, I felt very satisfied with the way I felt. There was no one to entertain but myself and the friendly waiters.
The lighting was dim enough to create the ambiance of intimacy and comfort that always seemed to make the food at restaurants that much more enjoyable. A small tea light candle flickered at the center of my table while I slowly skimmed the menu for the meal I’ve been thinking about since I last had it.
Directly across from me was a young couple, possibly around my age, with their feet intertwined underneath the small table. They couldn’t see me but I saw them and immediately decided that they would be the target of my casual gaze. They seemed to be in their own little world created by whatever love they shared. They would be way too distracted by each other to notice the pull of my attention so it was perfect. I always had a thing for beautiful couples but something about them made it hard to objectify them in that way. Both were the exact contrast of everything I usually went for and that intrigued me even more.
My wine was so much better than the store bought bottle I planned on finishing tonight sitting on my kitchen counter. The lobster, garlic potatoes, and asparagus was also ten times better than the Chinese takeout I had pulled up on my DoorDash app before I impulsively decided to get dressed and come here. Pepper was most likely pacing the apartment, relishing in the fact that she had the freedom to sprawl out on the side of the couch we’ve had many power struggles to claim. Being here tonight just felt so right.
I took a break from habitually scrolling through my phone to stealthily watch the couple that caught my attention earlier. Their feet were now to themselves but they held hands across the table, laughing while they took turns seemingly amusing each other. The liveliness of the restaurant and distance of their table prevented me from hearing exactly what they were saying, but the essence of enjoyment was very loud.
Both were stunning but they each wore their beauty differently. One tucked their long braids behind their ear and blushed as the other licked their lips and leaned back into the chair with satisfaction. I watched for a while and absorbed the adoration between them both before the one covered in tattoos and hair tied neatly at the top of their head turned to scan the room. It was the first time I got a good look at the sharpness and intensity of their beauty. I glanced down at my phone to avoid the risk of making eye contact and just when I thought I was safe to look again, I felt the burn of her attention on me.
Her eyes met mine and she slowly turned back to face her lover. She must’ve said something to her because I could feel the one with the braids also shift her attention to me. The haze of the wine started to warm my stomach as I sensed them both get up to walk in my direction. I pretended to be distracted by my phone as I braced for whatever was about to happen.
The one with the braids led the other to the foot of my table as I raised my gaze to acknowledge them approaching. Her face was round and highlighted by a beautiful bronze tint that shimmered under the light. She gently swung her long braids to her back and looked down at me with the warmest smile. She was stunning from a distance but she was truly majestic standing in the soft light under my booth.
“I am really sorry to bother you,” she suggested in a light tone. “But I just had to come here to tell you that you are so beautiful.” Her lover stood slightly beside her, co-signing with a nod. The beauty with the long braids gently reached out to rest her hand on the edge of my table as her braids simultaneously slid over her shoulders and draped her arm. The textbook unicorn signal was actually very funny and stereotypical but there was something different about this time. Something that slightly scared me in a way that also made me curious enough to want it.
My body immediately softened as I thanked her abashedly. She smiled reassuringly as the one with her hair tied up pitched in. “It’s so packed in here but we saw you sitting over here by yourself and said that we had to say that before we left. Are you by yourself?” Their welcoming aura made me feel safe even though their beauty almost didn’t.
I was always fully aware of my own beauty but the weight of my recent experiences truly disconnected me from it. That was another reason I needed an excuse to decorate myself in a way that allowed me to actually look in the mirror and recognize myself. The validation was so warm and familiar to me that I felt the insecurity seeping away with every second they spent standing over me in awe. I wanted to also credit the wine but I knew something else was re-emerging inside of me.
“I am.” I replied. “I was really craving some lobster and potatoes and I didn’t want to wait for someone to bring me.” I used my words wisely to suggest that I was available to whatever they had in mind.
“I like that.” The one with her hair tied up laughed while the one with the braids nodded in agreement. “Would you like some company?”
“You don’t have to say yes!” The one with the braids quickly offered. “We’re just new to the area and want to make the most of every opportunity we get to meet other women around here.”
I didn’t quite prepare or expect to be accompanied by anyone tonight but the same was true for me. The past few months have been lonely and boring, and I specifically remember praying for an opportunity like this one. I could have misinterpreted what kind of energy they were expressing but I was open to the possibility of whatever was being presented to me. “Of course. Please.” I waved my hand for them to slide into the booth and we ordered more drinks.
And Pepper got a few more hours in my spot on the couch before I was coming home to disrupt her peace with company.
My mom said I can’t have a birthday party but I didn’t ask to be born the day after the New Year. She said I can’t go anywhere without my little brother but I didn’t ask to be the first born here.
She said I can’t talk like that and I can’t walk like that but I didn’t ask to be a girl. She said she wished she weren’t mine but how could I know my existence would shatter her world?
I didn’t ask to need love and I didn’t ask to need freedom. It was all just part of me. I didn’t ask to need myself more than I needed her, but I do and now I am free.
Sometimes, it truly amazes me that I can find so much warmth in ice. I’m not cold-blooded, just hooded and covered, convincing myself that it’s something I like.
As I lay in the ice, paralyzed with pain, my brain relays something different. It says “Think of Bahrain in the middle of July” and my heart readjusts it’s own rhythm.
And as it picks up its pace, blood rushes to my face, I swear that I’m hugging the sun. But it goes really quick, then my nerves start to quit, and before I know it, I’m numb.
I’ve been the inspiration for many horror stories after we were through. Spent hours in the mirror trying to figure out why I couldn’t see the person I knew. Wondered how I could be in crowds of love and only felt seen by few. And then it dawned on me, after streams of dreams, I was buried alongside you.
If a poet is only as good as their definition of poetry, then I must be an angel. If poetry is art and art is God, I am the right portrayal. God guides me through the syllabus of life to craft up any fable. I channel it all through the source of all, even when it’s painful.
I take what I usually can’t express and transmute it until I’m able. Pure in my pronouncement, I can forget my own name. Some could call it bacchanal. For this is mine to share and yours to keep, and we can meet in that appraisal.
If God is great and God is good, then that’s true for any label. This skill helps sing the song of my soul and it’ll always be my staple.
