if your hand could reach inside my heart, what would you do with it? you painted me pictures of heaven as fresh as the spring walks we went on as warm as the hugs you gave me as sweet as the kisses we shared

holding hands turned into family dinners and what stayed was the way that my head just so perfectly fit in that one spot on your shoulder

i tried to stay distant and take things slow yet somehow you found your way into my heart

you traced it with your fingertips softly had me giving in then tore it out of my chest getting away with it

i‘ve heard a little while ago that this is not about what i feel for you but about what i can’t feel for anyone else

and isn’t it naive to think i could never like someone the way i liked you? isn’t it naive to see this for the best i could ever get when clearly i deserve nothing less than what i‘m willing to give?

if your hand can reach inside my heart i don’t want to have to beg you to see me, choose me, and love me

if your hand reaches inside my heart i don’t want to feel like i‘m addicted to the drug holding your name, falling into the misery of withdrawal when i feel us crumbling again

it has been seven weeks now and i am learning realizing you’re not being cherished is what stabs you, accepting you’ve never even been appreciated is the slow death that follows

“there’s good fish and bad fish“ my mom used to say i’m seven years old out on a beach day

“pay attention, take care“ i hear her voice in my head i will, i promise just one more step

the ocean surrounding me i take it all in a shimmering existence
a spark of the happiest i‘ve ever been

he‘s making his way to me i reach for him just like i did at the beach at seven but now i just wait and sit

i‘m not seven years old now there‘s plenty of fish in the sea what if i thought i‘d found mine and had to realize it was poisonous

tw(?)

“did i really want this”, is the question in my pounding head, all day i lie in bed, zach bryan calls that shit pure bliss.

i shouldn’t have done it, i swear i am smart! thinking about the words that were whispered in the dark, but i’m really just a kid.

how did i let it get so messy, it’s all my fault 3am and still awake:

“i might’ve been too dressy”, it burns my wounds like salt, to know that all he ever did was take.

i like to think the cars rushing, cheeks flushing, crowds talking, men walking, don’t stress my soul the way they do.

i’ve never been a city person, yet for you i wanted to be. i’ve been on every subway cursing, just for your face to light up when you see, all along it could’ve been me.

now i sit and drink from my lonely cup, the busy lights there out my window. i’ve never been a city person though you left and i’m here, holding on to memories back when you held all my remedies, now this place is full of fear

“Are you happy?” I stand on my doorstep and glance at the letters written on the envelope I found in my mailbox this morning. No name, no address. Am I? Happy? Is that of any relevance?

I open the letter sipping my morning tea. Earl Grey. I watch as a small segment of ash falls from it onto my rug, dissolving into hundreds of small pieces. Sometimes I feel like that. Staring at the silver particles I’m suddenly brought back to that day. The day that life changed from milky coffee, sweet and addicting to the numb grey of warm water. A small change in usualness doesn’t make life feel like you’re less living, but maybe it does after all, when this is not about coffee and tea.

The letter spans a total of six words but this is all it takes me to know who it’s from. “No, so let me come home.” And Hades, I will.

i first discovered love at 16 though looking back it really didn’t seem like love at all

i‘ve been closer recently been taking more chances and he feels like the honey in my tea i‘m full on my own but even better through his longing glances

my cat matches the colour of the leaves now, we made a vow to find no other.

your love warm like the inside of my sweater, it only gets better when you take me to your dorm.

we fell in love in fall not long ago, i just want you to know

i wonder if this would end as cold as this season, currently waiting for the treason.