and so when i think of you

and your shining blue eyes

my heart has a small twang

and when i think of your freckles

and your dirty blonde hair

i cant possibly fit all that i love

into only so many words

because words aren’t enough

it’s the feelings too

i feel happy and excited and overwhelmed and calm and at peace and safe and inspired and loved all at once when i’m with you

and i cant on...

“get out of my house!”

my husband grabbed his gun from behind the bookshelf as he bellowed this phrase down the hall. i knew his heart was beating heavily. mine was.

i snuggled my six-month old daughter closer into my chest and listened to her breath softly. as far as she knew, she was safe. and it would stay that way as long as i could help it.

i heard his steps thump down the hall, and i t...

it was the evening of july 17th, just late enough so that the sky was a calming purpley-gray, and the grass had begun to dew. we had towels wrapped around our waists, hands clung to sticky red and green popsicles wrapped in paper towels. we sat in gray and white plastic lawn chairs, which were planted in a circle. we talked and laughed, licking and sucking on sweet popsicle juice. we had swam bef...

this was her home.

where she grew up.

screams.

when my mama fell to her knees after my dad smacked her cheek harder than he’s ever done before. her hand flew to her cheek. i still remember. her eyes filled with fear and pain. my dad full of rage, ready to strike any second. i was crouched behind the couch, invisible to everyone. but i still saw. and i still remember.

laughs.

when my mama s...

i was tired of hurting.

so, so tired of hurting.

my heart and ribs hurt.

my chest and lungs hurt.

i would shake and cry.

i would beg and plead.

for anything else to happen.

but to me, just pain.

it was only ever pain.

i’d never known anything else.

and i was so exhausted.

tired wasn’t even a word.

it was always just pain.

and i fucking hated it....

moving

is different for everyone

some people move houses

some people move jobs

some people move countries

or states or cities

some move for fun

but moving for me?

moving is hard

because my brain doesn’t move

it’s been stuck in this ditch

of darkness and dirt

for way too long

and it cant move

so the way i move

is numbly

but i still

move....

i wish there was a place to call home that didn’t hurt. everywhere i go seems to hurt just a little less than before. but then i go home, and everything hurts again. home is supposed to be where there is peace, not pain. i wish i had a home that was painless, that i could escape to when i needed. my pain follows me, i leave my home

and it’s still there. i wish there was a place to call home that d...

the furniture held laughter and memories. the walls had brown spots where pictures used to hang. the doorknobs were worn down and changing colors. the kitchen was old but smelled like home. the bedrooms had beds made long ago. blankets that held tears and laughter, now laying there. waiting. rocking chairs stuck in place, waiting to be rocked. you could tell where the plates were put on the table,...

sinking sunlight glittered off the water. i stared at the orange and blue as they washed together. my mind was blank, and i wouldn’t realize until after. i watched my feet dangle above the water, as my eyes drifted in and out of focus. the breeze blew my hair and i leaned back on my hands. i was so thankful to be here, i had waited so long for this. there was an aura of orange in the sky, fading i...

a truth that’s told with bad intent

beats all the lies you can invent

you become what you say

and day by day

your heart starts to harden

and carry you away...