“I can’t take care of you like this.”
His voice rumbled with disappointment. Was he disappointed in me? I wondered.
“I’m fine.” I assured him.
“You’re not fine, you have dementia!”
It was then I realized for the first time that I was deteriorating like a sandcastle abandoned on the beach. The worst part was that my family was taking the toll. The doctors say it’s mild but progressive.
“I’m sorry for raising my voice. I shouldn’t do that, you know I didn’t mean to.” He said nervously.
“It’s okay, are you staying for dinner?” I asked in a cheerful manner to lighten the mood.
I glanced at my son as he exhaled a long tired breath.
“We just ate dinner dad. I’ve been washing dishes for the past 30 minutes.”
“Oh. Right.” I muttered.
He grabbed my hand and held in gently.
“I love you.” He said.
I saw a tear grow thicker at the corner of his eye and just like that he went back to the dish he had sat down half rinsed and continued to scrub. I am that lonely castle made of dust barely holding on. Left to fend for myself at the shore. The little hands that made me were already on their way back home hours down the road. And I fear the wind will pick up tonight and my walls will wither away, one tiny grain of sand at a time.
“Audi dewy dumbella”
“Why does that sound like the chant from child’s play? Do you even know what you’re doing”
“Ha I was just kidding, can you google it again for me?”
Maggie rolled her eyes. She took out her iphone allowing it to futuristically scan the features of her face until it unlocked with a click. She proceeded to google.
“How do you spell summoning? Never mind I got it.”
We sat on the ground, took hands and closed our eyes. We began reciting the spell in whispers. The room felt like it was closing in but I needed this to work or else my social life would be over forever. So we kept repeating the lines with eyes tightly shut.
On about the fourth go around I felt a burst of wind blow out the candles that flickered around us. I could smell the trail of smoke carrying the wax from the floor to my nostrils. I scrunched open one eye to take a tiny peek. Dumbfounded I was staring directly at what looked like a pair of size 3 Mary Janes.
I shook Maggie profusely and together we stared in awe, puzzled and speechless.
“You summoned me?”
“Well.. Um..who.. who are you?” Maggie stuttered.
“I am the ruler of the underworld, the devil? You know? Lucifer. You can call me Lucy for short.”
I didn’t really think about what to expect the devil to show up as. Something terrifying I guess. Anything but an 8 year old girl in pigtails. I figured if I had to sell my soul to exact revenge on the cheer squad I would need strong back up. Like a tall dark figure, with uh crooked horns, snarly teeth and sharp claws.
“So you summoned me here, what’s your trouble? I don’t have all day guys.”
Maggie looked at me to speak, like we were a tag team.
I sighed and said.
“Okay. Here’s our trouble. The other day we tried out for cheerleading. Well Maggie made the squad, but I didn’t. The head cheer leader failed me because she was jealous. Her boyfriend stared at me the whole time at try outs. As if it’s my fault she’s insecure. I would make a great cheerleader. I feel so wronged it hurts. Not to mention my herkie was the straightest there, no offense mags. You see I’ve been training since middle school. I’ve won medals in gymnastics. Anyways, so I was wondering if you could like I don’t know take care of her for me?”
“Take care of her? I’m not a hit man, but alright” Lucy paused as she licked her rainbow lollipop. She snapped her fingers and a stack of papers piling nearly 3 feet high magically appeared in front of her.
“In order to move forward with your request you’ll have to sign every page of this contract.”
“Every page” I whimpered.
“Yes. And just so you know there’s no guarantee you’ll get a square deal from me and you’re going to hell either way. So do you have a pen?”
We fought like fire with a burning passion. You loved me fiercely to make up for it. We were twin flames, this I was sure of. Soulmates destined to set the world ablaze. I felt special like your favorite action figure. Little did I know I had fallen in love with a born pyromaniac. Had heard only stories about how when you were little you would set your toys on fire in the yard and watch them melt. You loved to watch them burn. You loved me too so we knew what would happen. You watched me burn. Like the others before me, I laid there helpless in the dirt. Smelling of scorched plastic and harsh chemicals. You didn’t seem to mind being left with the ash.
She sat alone in a crowded room amongst friends.
Poised on a bar stool like calm water.
Zoning in and out of meaningless conversation.
Every so often her face would crumple with laughter, even when she didn’t hear the punchline.
Lonely seemed like an understatement to her but you couldn’t tell.
She was happy.
Grinning on the outside, hollow on the inside.
Fierce green eyes peak out from under strands of auburn as you lift your head from a rested position. They roll backwards as our teacher reminds you not to sleep in class. I imagine touching the desk beneath you and feeling the warmth where your chest had laid. On a rare occasion you smile softly and it lights a path in front of me. As if a vignette had appeared around you and the rest of the room just faded into darkness. Most times you keep your arms crossed. I wonder what you are protecting. You seem to have a permanent scowl. It doesn’t change how beautiful you are, but must make people wonder. Makes me wonder why your expression wants to scream but your teeth are always clenched tight. You show no interest in me, that doesn’t quiet the urge to take a chance, in fact it only grows deeper. The bell rings and you shove your books into your bag angrily. I hesitantly run over and stutter the words “Uh would you wanna go out sometime?” The clock stood still, and for the first time you were forced to notice me. Your face which is always paralyzed without emotion, finally let a smirk escape my way. “In your dreams.” Your voice echoed joyously in my mind. The way your lips loosened to mumble out such a quick rejection made me want you even more. In an instant you were gone and the room was empty, my chest was full of angst but I couldn’t wait to see you again.
I’m a junkie for spontaneous road trips. We didn’t really have a destination in mind. I had spent the night before packing a last minute suitcase for my boyfriend and I, consisting strictly of 2 outfits, pajamas, and a toothbrush. I ditched the make up bag, tight jeans and docs. Slipped into a pair of comfortable nikes and a sun dress.
“You ready?!”
I hollered from the car with my pillow and luggage in hand. The sun glared off my raybans as I waited impatiently while he made sure to lock up and double check the bags. I always forget something.
As we made our way down the driveway I whipped out my note pad and jotted down a few things I wanted to do on this little excursion. Hit a few hole in the wall bars, like the one I had once seen with a Texas shaped sink. Definitely find a nice place to have dinner. I wanted to take a cliche picture of myself standing in the middle of an open road with nothing but flat, dry land on either side. Pick a wild flower bouquet, soak up some much needed nature and just relax. I assured him I would be awake for the drive but my notorious child-like habit of falling asleep in the car interfered as soon as we hit the highway.
I was woken several hours later by the sudden urge to use the restroom. To my surprise the sun was starting to go down already, the roads turned silent and long. After my nap and bathroom break I was fully charged, ready to stretch my legs and down a few vodka sodas. I looked at the dash, 5:07 caught my eye in little green numbers.
“We need to find somewhere to grab a drink”
I mentioned again in a groggy voice for the third time since waking. He rolled his eyes and hooked a right to the exit. We rolled up to a small town, not too lit up. Drove in a few circles to come to the conclusion the pub we passed on the way in was probably the only option we had. Anxious to get out of the car I threw on my shoes and opened the door before we came to a full stop. I walked ahead as he parked around the corner in an empty lot. I noticed a few other little shops near by. A flickering neon sign hanging in the window of a rustic little building caught my eye. Wasn’t able to make out much but the word ‘antiques’ stood out. I’m a sucker for vintage. It was as if I was being called. I approached the door and caught a better glimpse of the sign “Marilee’s Antiques” I whispered to myself.
“Who you talking to?” A voice whispered from behind me. I jumped.
“You startled me.” I said catching my breath.
“Cars parked. I thought you wanted to get a drink?”
“I do, but look how cute this place is. Do you see anyone in there?” I asked as I smudged my nose against the dingy glass. I cupped my hands around my eyes and peered in, not a soul in sight.
He goes straight for the knob and gives it a twist, bells jingle above.
“You’re in luck, they’re open!” He said sarcastically acting enthused.
“Go grab a drink next door babe, I’ll be right behind you. Just going to do a quick look around. Promise I won’t be long. I giggled.
“Yeah like you promised you wouldn’t fall asleep on the drive?” He muttered under his breath as he walked away.
“Hello? Anyone working? I probably won’t buy anything just really interested in looking around.” I was basically talking to the clouds of dust and old furniture.
There were some really intricate pieces of costume jewelry behind the glass. A beautiful wool and leather jacket, tons of clocks and glassware I felt I had to have. I then wished that someone would walk back in from a long smoke break or something and let me take a closer look. I shuffled around the store a few moments longer but I’m not one to really window shop, so I decided to head out. Marilee probably forgot to lock the door behind her. Just my luck.
Making my way back to the front I noticed there was light was bouncing off an old mirror in the corner of the room. It was draped with a long white sheet. I’ve been stuck in a car for 4 hours so I decided to freshen myself up a bit before I meet my boyfriend. Who’s probably downing his 3rd beer by now. I yanked the curtain off and leaned in to fix my hair.
“Holy shit! What in the…”
I gasped and nearly bit my tongue. My face felt smooth but looked wrinkled with age. My expression a little more tired than usual. What was I looking at? It was me, but not me.
“Me in the future?”
I felt dizzy. She mimicked my every move. The woman in the mirror said nothing. In fact, when I spoke her lips moved and her mouth opened but I could not hear a word. It was her eyes that told my story. Weary and washed of color. What once was hazel on the outside with a center of amber burning through is now a faded sage. I had been over thrown by waves of emotion and disbelief. Can’t help but fear this is what the future holds for me. A worrisome life, without adventure, heart broken, unfulfilled and unsatisfied. Worst part is wearing it for others to see. If I can see the pain this clear on my face in this mirror, how will anyone ever see anything different? How will they believe me when I say that I’m happy? The woman in the mirror stopped copying my gestures. She looked at me seriously and said
“The only advice I have for you is to believe yourself when you say you’re happy. You should wear your emotions like an accessory you’re proud of. Wear them for you and not for others. Feel everything and you will find that happiness within. And it will show all around.”
The bells jingle at the door and I look over my shoulder. I wake up in the car and look ahead. 5:10 reads the clock in tiny green numbers. I had fallen back asleep.
“Good morning sunshine.” A grumpy voice says from the seat next to me. I rub my eyes and quickly flip down the sun visor to reveal the mirror. My skin looked smooth. My eyes were light. I sighed in relief.
“Is it time to get off the highway and find a place to grab a drink?” He asked.
“No. Let’s just get a good nights sleep. I’m thinking mimosas at brunch sound better.”
Puzzled he replies “Um. Ok.”
“And no antique shopping this time.”