I’ve handled my affairs, as they say.

I cleaned my house from top to bottom, lining everything up perfectly. All the labels on the soup cans are finally symmetrical.

I showered, shaved my legs; did my hair; made my face. I’m as pretty as I still know how to be.

I said goodbye to the cats, who said, “See ya!” with all the disinterest of their birthright.

I cried with the dogs, who cried bac...

You never asked, but…

It’s black

Or sometimes pink

You never asked, but…

January

I’m a new year’s baby

You never asked, but…

Australia

And dad is from Quebec

You never asked, but…

Veterinary Medical Reception

One year certificate

You never asked, but…

Two dogs, two cats

One bunny

You never asked, but…

Never been married

No kids

You’re never going to ask

I know

And I sure ain’t offering

And...

“Hello?” Oooh, I hope it’s Kirk, ringing to talk dirty to me before bed. I’m horny.

“Baby?” says a voice.

Well, now. If that doesn’t kill my libido. Now, and forever, ever more.

That voice; goosebumps creep over my flesh as memories flood my hippocampus, and emotions surge within me. That voice sounds just like…

“Mum?” I croak out. My libido says goodbye and jumps off a cliff.

“Yes, baby,...

Well, how about that? God works in mysterious blah blah ad nauseum. Due to a loophole the size of Texas, the democratic process has collapsed under the intense pressure from male punters ~ and now, only female strippers are eligible to run for office!

Which puts me front and centre! As candidate for…um…well, I don’t know. Something. I don’t really care, actually, as long as it includes the cessa...

About a year after Mummy went nuts, Walker began to sneak out of the house at night.

“Chicks to see,” he explained to me one day, as we lay sprawled and lifeless across the couches, listening to the lilting sounds of Mummy’s oral self-flagellation, echoing up the stairs.

“You?” I snorted. “Bullshit. You wouldn’t know what to do with a female if she ran up and bit you.”

Walker smiled from wher...

I think of Mummy before she was consumed by her illness as being akin to the angel, Lucifer; or at least, as much as I have garnered of him from the Netflix tv show. Mummy was perfect; trustworthy, astute, and so beloved, she was the epicentre of our world. Like Lucifer, she was a wonderful angel; until that day when, like Lucifer, she fell from grace and descended into the bowels of a hell of her...

Throughout the worst of Mummy’s illness, when Walker and I felt the most stress and suffered the most loneliness, there was one particularly bad day where my own mental health was also rather questionable. The isolation that day was crippling; Mummy, while physically so close to us, a few below us, encased in her basement tomb, was emotionally more far removed than ever. Walker, too, was too busy...

What did it feel like, watching Mummy go crazy? Well, it was certainly no trip to the dog park, I can tell you that. Well, wait a minute, actually…I guess you could say it’s kind of been like a trip to that really shitty dog park. You know, the one that Walker and I absolutely hate? Yes, you do; the really small one, just down the street, where Mummy won’t let us off leash because all the other do...

“Did you paint something today?”

I jumped at the question, the unexpected voice of a man breaking into my far-off thoughts. I looked up and squinted into the amused eyes of a dark-haired gentleman in a black suit jacket.

“Excuse me?” I snapped, not feeling at all sociable at the moment.

“I asked you if you had painted something today,” he repeated, continuing to smile down at me, which contin...

18+

“I think I just met the happiest person in the world,” I said as I walked into the kitchen, balancing a tower of boxes in my arms. “She was all smiles and bubbles as she offered to help me get all of the boxes up the stairs. And as I glared back at her suspiciously whilst trying heroically not to vomit onto her shoes, I asked her, ‘What are you so happy about?!? Are you high?’ And she actual...