I’m infinitely curious but equally breakable Too soft to bury a truth unmistakable So I search for the truth but then swaddle a lie Why stare into hell when you could hide in the sky?
My faith is a phone I dropped down the gutter When clarity honks my exhaust pipes sputter Burrowing as deep in the sand as the buildings are tall Seeing everything demands feeling nothing at all
So I plead with the concerte at discovery’s end Spray graffiti to persuade the cement to bend But all that echos is a warning from innocence’s ghost: “Those who question the least are content with the most”
My curiosity’s quest was to uncover the light
But it’s unsafe to walk home starless at night
Turns out reality is harder to face than to find
God bless the power of a euthanized mind
To the girl in the velvet dress:
When you were born You signed an unspoken contract
To agree to the silence To not ask questions To not challenge the status quo
The evidence is written In stiff photo album poses and diamond smiles In grand halls with high ceilings and tiny forks In rides on friends’ boats In itchy velvet kids clothes on Christmas morning In safety handed out like rations In exchange for pretending that everything is ok
The rules you agreed to say
To honor where you came from
To get invited to gentleman’s-only clubs and say
Thank you
To stay calm when a man
Who invites you to dinner in the cigar room
Says we’re living in a woman’s world
Because to slice open hypocrisy is to
Slice open your father
To pop him like a balloon
When all he wants is his daughter to love him
And watch him shrivel and deflate
Then feel wrong and sorry and ungrateful
Even though he’s never been sorry once
Being born May have gotten you into those hallowed halls But once you’re there You’ll have no need to write conspiracy theories because You can see what’s on the inside The world your father loves is just men basking in power, content as they are Drinking martinis and Pissing on redwood trees
But you’ll also learn
Scorched by attempts at critique
That it’s safer to love your father
And be grateful he loves you
Than to point out what is wrong again and
Light his gunpowder
So trembling You’ll settle in and Swallow your tongue
Honoring the blood pact With the man you love most
On a fancy couch by the fireplace Laughing at his jokes over oysters Breathing in ash In a velvet dress
Growing up was constantly Swimming With no gills In a pool of ice water Always moving Pursuing The label of Your perfect daughter You love me, you applaud me You know that I’m smart But what happens when Miss perfect Stops playing her part? Will you still adore me If about me You can no longer brag? If I start speaking my mind? Waving a more colorful flag? If I center my values Instead of padding your pride? Would you say it’s fine But then subtly Toss me aside? I know you like us To lay low Avoid making a racket But now your little girl Is trapped In the tightest straitjacket Your expectations linger Unsaid Like trash in the sea So I don’t know if it’s you Maybe it’s just me But a pressure unsaid Doesn’t make it unfelt So no matter the source I must untangle The knot I’ve been dealt You love me Unconditionally I think But I wish You would say it Overtly I need proof How hard is it? Come on please set me free! Say that you’ll love me the same If you can’t brag about me
If I’m bi why can’t I just marry a man? I don’t just exist in the spaces in-between I make the in-between take up space. My first crushes were an elf with a bow and young Leo. I was so sure of my feelings and also not sure at all. After all, I was a uniform school girl who loved RENT. I wanted a boy because I wanted a boy to want me. Other girls made me nervous, especially the pretty ones. They started to wear makeup. I wanted to be one of them. And for them to see me, but what if they did? Just a little mascara for me. I went to bat mitzvahs at 13 hoping boys would grind on me from behind. I’d ask my friend if he was cute that that was good enough. One randomly looked under my skirt and I was thrilled. It happened years later on the subway too. I had a passing thought that being bi would make sense, if only I liked women. I fell in love with two men, and then myself. And now, her breasts are home. **
I know that I’m bi but I still try to put myself in a box. I’m not used to taking up space so audaciously, But I do so just by breathing as bi. “Bisexual women and their boyfriends.” It’s not funny. It’s punching down. There’s no bi flag emoji. Just a wave of blue, purple and pink dispersed into the margins. Absorbed into nothing and then called “greedy.” Staying committed to bisexuality feels like a radical act. Sitting in the maybe and in-between and both. A test without answers. A tune without resolution that still makes the most beautiful sound. Lemon bars and cuffed jeans because having “things” feels nice. The bisexual community slips through my fingers every time I try to touch it. Magnets that repel each other in favor of picking a side of the fence. If I claim the label lesbian now, does that erase the men who had and shaped my heart? I want the moon to be ours. I know that I’m bi but I love a man’s hug but I love a woman’s touch. I don’t know how ending up with one won’t split me in two.
I thought I got rid of him I thought I cleared the air Of his toxic chemical breath And his scary witch hair
My scars from where he ate me Had been healing recently Until today he swam up out of nowhere To bite off another piece of me
The cuddle fish say “he’s crazy!” Even the eels say “it’s not your fault!” But his attacks drew so much blood That I’m perfect prey for more assault
Plus the shark is more than violent:
He’s a clever bastard too
So if he wants to sting me perfectly
He knows exactly what to do
I can’t tell him to go fuck himself Or kick him squarely in the face Because his bites call out my “violence” As why he hurts me in the first place
So I’m afraid he’s totally trapped me I can’t swim to shore or knock him out Because a tiny part of me still believes I’m violent Like the shark is mad about
Dear diary,
I love him but When I’m in bed with him, I can only see, When I close my eyes.
And when I do I don’t feel his lips on mine.
I imagine hers.
Soft and beautiful The curves on her body Sharp and sweet like citrus, A glass prism hitting the light Just right.
I want her. This faceless femme In the way the horizon wants the sun.
Every night.
What is wrong with me?
He’s so kind, But when we’re intimate I close my eyes And swim through a night of want.
Aching for a rainbow I’m afraid to touch.
I hung my heart out to dry On a clothesline And it rained every single day
Bouncing up down and
Blowing in the wind
Drenched in these tears Touching this skin
Getting hit by debris That bruise and scratch me
What it is to be me
To feel deeply
Dangling from pins safety
I envy those that know how to To hold it in
Who take the scars on their hearts And tattoo them into butterflies
They do live in a beautiful hue
But there’s something about This drenched Shade of blue That’s pretty too
An exposed tender heart Beating not to endure But to know that water is wet
Maybe to live
To feel
Is all we have to do
Oh what peace this day should bring In a solar orbit’s sling Because sound doesn’t know yet how to yell In the cosmic great nothing
But when it’s quiet enough to hear my thoughts The inner supernovas spark The BOOM of chaotic swirling stars Cloud the relief of the quiet dark
Jupiter’s stormy eye entraps me Swirling unable to unwind Why does the mass of a trillion galaxies Have weaker pull than my own mind?
Is it true there’s a creator? But it turns out that it’s just me? Because it’s the crashing orbs inside my brain That have the strongest gravity?
Their waves clash inside my stomach The site eternal peace belongs Oh I ache to know an exhale But those never linger very long
So while I long for cosmic silence I chase the moon to drown it out Asking the stars if they’ve ever felt it That “inner peace” they’ve bragged about
I can’t help but love And look for things to love in the souls of others. Love is the entire sky.
But to find another woman to love, I can’t just go to any bar And wait to get hit on.
I have to sense the queer parts in the crevices of others, And hope they’ll unlock them for me.
As a result, I’ve seen some shooting stars.
I excite them for a while.
But in the end, I am always flowers without water. Or a late night kiss at the train station bar, Left on the train. A woman who finally dares to let her feelings soar, Only to slam into the ground.
All I have is love to give.
But instead I am a coin tossed into a fountain, Cursed to look up forever from the bottom of a shallow pool.
I get angry at my mom Because she’s the one place Where it’s safe to be.
Where when I’m shattered glass, I can be sharp and vicious Instead of a kind mirror.
I hate to see her bleed. But I’m sick of sanding down my edges. Glass is meant to be pointy.
I’m sorry mom. I bite the hand that feeds me, Because I know you will always love me.
