the door creaked open, rupturing the superficial silence. dust danced on the sunlight, like tiny woodland fairies. the musty sent of old books and comfort filled the air. the floorboards creek beneath bare feet as i breach the undiluted atmosphere.

the wallpaper, the color of faded forests remembered through foggy memories, rolls itself off the walls. heavy over stuffed bookshelves lean on the wall, whispering many forgotten stories into the faded floral pattern. sunlight filters in through the large paneled window, warming me like a cat on a bright day. beckoning me in, asking me to come lay in the dusty velvet lounge basking in the strip of sunshine painting the space.

this space could use a bit of work. and yet it is still warm, and beutiful, and enchanting.

this space is far from perfect. and yet i know i’ll spend every day within its confines. this hidden room, unlocked and open to be explored.

this space, within my soul, is where i reside.

my face turns blue, the world fades to black. the sounds muffle until your voice is gone. and everything becomes cold.

i stop feeling quickly enough. the pain resides easily. gravity can’t hold me anymore. i drift towards the clouds.

beautiful and free. no worries in the world. i can feel understanding at my fingertips. this is my euphoria.

but a face in the clouds, draws me back down. those beautiful eyes. that perfectly crooked smile.

euphoria is nothing compared to your love. the sunlit clouds couldn’t wrap me in the same warmth as your arms. there is no freedom like the laughter you give. and no understanding like the one i’ll find in your eyes.

so back i come. through the tingling cold and burning lungs. into the pain.

just for you. always for you.

hello? can you hear me? i’m right here… can’t you see me?

no… not you too… am i still invisible? trapped so deep within myself, that no one will ever see me.

the forest is dark here. and alone i wander. my feet get stuck in the cold marsh of memories as i drag my way through.

there’s a fog, it rolls around obscuring every truth in this path. warping beautiful things, and making them seem twisted.

i know the view through it isn’t true, but knowledge can’t change the fear.

the monsters that lurk here are viscous. they’ll tear apart every weakness they find. consume until i’m bare bones and hollow soul. and then they’ll wait in the shadows until i grow back a little meat.

i’m alone here. in this desolate dreary forest. you’ll never find me. i’m lost forever.

sleep on me. lay your head in my lap. or perhaps on my arm. i’ll ignore the tingles as it slowly goes numb. eight hours, eight days, eight years. i’ll become statuesque while you drift into dreamscapes.

faster. faster. faster. i pant. not enough. never enough. catch up. catch up. catch up. not again. i can’t lose, again.

my feet pound the wet pavement and i push. i push through the exhaustion. through the despair. i’ll find you. i will.

streetlights glisten off the wet asphalt. the orange glow reflects through my eyes. i peer into every window. walk through every door. no one can see me. no one cares.

but i’ll find you. i promise you that. i’ll search every home. on every street. hunt through every crack. until i find you. and then you’ll never be rid of me.

awareness pulls at my eyes. like curtains slowly opened on a too bright morning.

consciousness creeps in, so close but just out of reach. i can almost hear now. the birds speak in their rhythmic language.

a gentle breeze tickles my exposed skin. goosebumps scatter along this body. and i remember, surely, all the lives i’ve ached for. like the slow trickle of a calm river, cleansing every ridge.

breath fills my lungs. carrying with the relief. i remember breathing in the browned leaves, that had fallen from the glistening canopies. where we had laid. eyes closed, yet more awake than ever before.

tears roll down my face. pooling in my ears, just like the rain. skin pulls around my mouth. and i laugh. knowledge has carried freedom into my soul. and i know, i’ll survive.

i brace myself, against the cold wind. it cuts me down, makes me bleed again.

the rocks dig, into my bare feet. i stumble on, too stubborn to admit defeat.

the rain pelts down on me, laughing at my weakness. freezing my bones. and all that it reaches.

i’ll fight, like i always do. it cannot win. i must get through.

the thunder bellows, as i try to run. “you’ll never get away, you’re pathetic, little one.”

but he’s wrong, you see. for i already feel warm. i can see the sun on the waves. in the most beautiful art form.

the water licks my wounds, as i run through the sea foam. and in your arms, i know i’ve found my home.

the scars on our hearts, have drove us apart. until i could barely see. surrounded by old wounds. and lit with burning trees. my hands shake so much i can barely hold the needle. that i’ll use to sew. stitch, and repair. until our hearts are held together. and our scars are on the mend.

where i watch from my throne, of broken wood. built with skin and bone. i sway in the breeze. tears freezing on my face, as i blow away with the leaves.

on the outside again. the iscles like trees. show me my reflection, like rotten summer leaves.

the pain makes me numb, the cold makes me sleep. and i think of you, while the iscles weep.

if my lips fell on yours, this pain would subside. and i’d dance with you, in the lowest of lights.

we’d welcome in death. as long as we went together. let him carry us on, to the peaceful surrender.