“Tara, tell me the truth.” Marren says. She’s frustrated. Maybe frustrated isn’t the word. Defeated may be a better description of what she feels. “Is it enough to leave him? Is it enough that he just doesn’t care?”
Marren is pacing through Tara’s kitchen. It won’t be long before she wears a hole in the floor. Tara worries about her best friend. She hasn’t seen her this upset in a very long time.
Tara sighs. “Mare, you can leave a relationship for any reason. There isn’t a threshold on something being ‘enough’ to break up with him. If you’re unhappy then you end it.”
“But how shallow will I look for breaking up with him after 4 years just because he forgot my birthday? 4 whole years. And I leave just because he forgot my birthday.” Marren stops pacing and puts her elbows on the kitchen island. She puts her head in her hands and shakes it.
“Not to add fuel to the fire, but he did also forget your anniversary last year. And Valentine’s Day the year before.” Tara says with a grimace. Elias really is a nice guy. He’s never cheated or lied. He’s never raised his voice or his hand. He’s also never bought flowers just because.
Tara places a hand on her friends, “You know that I’ll support any decision you make. But I would ask, does he love you?”
A tear falls onto the marble countertop. Marren sniffs, “Of course he loves me. He tells me every day, without fail.”
“Then I ask a different question, does he cherish you? Does he love you the way that you need to be loved?” Tara says as she grips Marren’s hand tighter. A sob breaks from Marren’s lips. All she can do is shake her head. “Okay, then I think that you know what you need to do.”
Another sob makes it’s way out of Marren’s mouth. Tara walks around the island and wraps her best friend in a hug. They stay like that until the sobs stop and Marren is left feeling wrung out but firm in her decision.
“I can’t believe she’s pissed at me over one day.” Elias laughs a little. “Isn’t that ridiculous?”
“I don’t know, man. It was her birthday.” Leo almost always takes his best friends side but this time he’s making it very difficult. “It’s also not the first time you’ve forgotten something like that.”
Elias scoffs, “Who’s side are you on here?” Leo rolls his eyes. Elias is defensive because he’s in the wrong and he knows it.
“If you wanted smoke blown up your ass instead of the truth then you should have went to someone else.” Leo stands from his chair and makes his way kitchen. There’s no point in continuing this conversation.
Elias follows his friend into the kitchen. “Your right. My bad.” Elias sighs. “I just didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I still got her a gift.”
“Yeah, a gift that was almost a week late because you ordered it after her birthday.” Leo reminds him. “And I don’t think she’s upset about the gift. To her, you forgetting her birthday means that you don’t care.”
Elias scoffs again, “Of course I care. We’ve been dating for years. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t still be with her.”
Leo wonders how he ended with such a dumb best friend. “Question, have you ever gotten her a little gift just because?” Elias shakes his head. “How about flowers?”
“Yeah, for our anniversary and Valentine’s Day a couple times.” Elias says. Of course he’s gotten Marren flowers. He’s not an asshole.
“But never just because you thought she would like them?” Leo asks, trying to clarify.
“No, I guess not.” Elias shrugs. He doesn’t see the point of the question. Leo sighs at his response. Elias doesn’t understand that either.
Leo then makes the decision to give his best friend the hard truth. “Marren’s going to break up with you, E.”
Elias lets out a bemused chuckle. “There’s no way. She’s not going to break up with me over one day, man. I know her. She’ll get over it.”
“God, you are such an idiot.” Leo lets out a frustrated laugh. “You don’t get it do you? You say that you care about her but you don’t do anything to show it.”
“You don’t know her like I do. She’s not going to leave.” Elias can’t believe his friend would even suggest it.
“Okay, whatever you say. I have no idea what I’m talking about.” Leo says, his tone dripping with sarcasm.
The conversation ends there because Elias brings up the football game that is happening later that night. A few days later, Marren breaks up with Elias. Elias is shocked and tells all of his friends that it came out of nowhere. Marren finds solace in the fact that being single doesn’t mean being alone.
*This was inspired by the song Tolerate It by Taylor Swift. Hence, the title haha.”
A forgotten birthday A missed anniversary An overlooked achievement A trust betrayed Little things that lead a tiny cracks Tiny cracks that lead to fractures, fractures that lead to breaks, breaks that lead to shatters Shatters that lead to bloody fingers picking up pieces Pieces that never quite fit back into place Scar tissue fills in the spaces where the pieces no longer fit It still beats but not with the same strength It’s tight and uncomfortable Sometimes it hurts A new reality that becomes the only one it knows
When I look up and see the billowing cloud of smoke on the horizon, tears are falling from my eyes before I can stop them. Hope flares in my chest.
My city has been under siege for over a fortnight. I’ve almost completely depleted my magic every day, trying any and everything I can to keep my people safe. There’s been more causalities than I will ever be able to forgive myself for. My father used to say, “Heavy is the head who wears the crown.” I never fully understood what he meant until now.
Sending the missive to the King of Kerrigan requesting aid was a last ditch effort. I didn’t think that I would receive a response, much less any help. The king hates me and everything that I stand for and I feel similarly about him, but I had no other choice. I’m very cognizant that this aid will cost me something, but there’s almost nothing that I wouldn’t give Ferris right now.
I’m standing on the balcony that is attached to my quarters, watching the cloud of smoke get larger and larger when I see men start to walk out of the smoke. It starts with just a few but the longer I watch the more appear. More and more and more. I try to count them but so many start pouring out that I can’t keep up. My best guess is at least 2,000. All soldiers, if the fighting leathers and weapons strapped to waists, backs, and chests, are any indication. More tears fall onto my face as I watch. This changes everything.
I’m lost in my own thoughts when a knock on the door of my chambers brings me out of my head. I sigh and say, “Come in.” A young messenger opens the door and he bows immediately. “Your Highness, your advisers wish to meet with you immediately.” He says, head still bowed.
I saw this coming. They are probably very confused, since I didn’t inform them that I asked Ferris for help. They would have tried to talk me out of it. Maybe I should have let them. I sigh again, “Tell them I’ll meet them in the throne room in 10 minutes.” The boy nods and leaves as quickly as he came.
Really I could have met with the advisers in about 3 minutes but I need a few more moments to get my thoughts together. Once I feel like I’m ready, I start toward the door of my chambers. I open the door, and almost right into the same messenger from a few minutes ago. He looks even more nervous than before, if that’s possible. He, again, bows his head. I hate that. I am not my father and I don’t demand respect from anyone. I want to earn it.
“Y-your Highness, the King of Kerrigan has requested a meeting with you.” He stammers out. Internally, I sigh again. I was hoping to tell my council before I had to meet with Ferris.
“Tell the council that they will have to wait. I must meet with the King.” The messenger nods and leaves again. I already know where the King will be. My private study is the only place we’ve ever met. We spent many nights, long ago, drinking my kingdoms best whiskey and talking until the sun began to rise. That was before I became Queen and had to choose duty over any kind of romantic connection. I don’t spend much time in my study anymore because of the memories attached to it. One of the last times I visited it was when I met Ferris to tell him that I was getting married. It seems that I made the wrong decision in getting married to Merrick because he is now the one who is attacking my kingdom. It was my fathers idea so I should have known that it was not going to benefit me. Thinking of Merrick made me nauseous then and does even more so now.
I make my way towards the study and I swear I can feel Ferris’ presence before I even enter the room. We haven’t spoken since our last fateful encounter in this room. I wonder if he is thinking about it too. Part of me hopes that he is, another part prays that he isn’t.
The door knob squeaks when I open it, giving away my presence. As I push the door open I see Ferris’ head snap up. We make eye contact. He is just as beautiful as he was the last time that I saw him. Long, dark hair falling right above broad shoulders. His dark eyes are unreadable but burn with an intensity that I once knew. I am bombarded by memories of him sitting in that exact chair. Some involving various states of undress. Fighting to keep the blush from my face, I dip my head towards him in acknowledgment. If he is the same man I knew, he won’t speak first. “Your Majesty,” I start, struggling to keep my voice even. “I didn’t expect for you to respond to my letter. But I’m glad that you’re here.”
I see something that looks like amusement flash across his face before he responds, “I wouldn’t be too glad yet, princess.” I open my mouth to correct him. I may have been a princess the last time we spoke but I am now a queen. Before I can get that out, a smirk crawls onto Ferris’ face. “My apologies. You are no longer a princess are you, Jianna?”
“I am not.” I grit out. I should have known that he would try to get under my skin. I could have better prepared myself. “I would like to address why you’re here, if we could. I know you want as little interaction with me as possible, Ferris.”
“Always so direct.” He’s still smirking. “I do appreciate that about you. One doesn’t have to wonder where they stand with you, unless they are romantically involved with you of course.” He’s trying bait me. I won’t bite. Instead, I ignore his comment and push the conversation forward.
“What do you want in exchange for your aid?” I ask. I’m almost afraid of the answer. I’m desperate and I have so much to lose.
Ferris sighs dramatically. I try not to roll my eyes. This conversation could really do without the theatrics.
“Nothing you’re able to give me, love.”, he says. The old pet name sends a shiver down my spine. He’s trying his best to throw me off and it’s starting to work.
“Don’t call me that.” I snap. I don’t have time for the games. My people are dying. My kingdom is in shambles. “I don’t know why you came if you were just going to waste my time.” I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. My mind starts to spin with other ways I can save my home.
“I didn’t intend to waste your time. There are laws in place that keep you from giving me what I want.” He says, he almost sounds sad but that isn’t possible.
“Ferris, what are you talking about?” Whatever laws there are can be changed. I, quite literally, make them.
He pauses and looks at me. There’s a war happening in the depths of his gaze. We just stand, looking at each other for a few moments. I watch one decision triumph over another right before he speaks.
“Jianna, you can only be married to one person at a time.” He states, matter of factly.
A stone sinks to the bottom of my stomach. The topic of marriage makes me break out in a cold sweat. I was once married. I am not any longer. I divorced Merrick the first time that he tried to raise his fist at me. It wasn’t even a year after we were married. I assumed everyone on the continent knew about the only queen in our history to divorce her husband.
I swallow hard, “I am well aware of that but I am no longer married.” The memories of my short marriage and the aftermath spin round and round in my head. Nor one them a pleasant.
Ferris goes completely still. “What do you mean?” He asks.
“I believe I was rather clear. I am not married. I thought everyone in the world was privy to the details of my divorce.” I say through gritted teeth. Reliving some of the worst days of my life was not how I imagined this conversation going.
“I was not aware. I apologize.” Ferris says with a dip of his head. “I banned anyone in my circle from speaking of you.” He admits.
I shouldn’t be shocked. He was furious when I told him I was engaged to Merrick. Still, it catches me by surprise. I don’t respond right away so Ferris continues.
“In that case, you may be able to give me what I came for.” He’s now smirking again. I prepare myself for whatever comes next. “Marry me, Jianna. That is all I ask in return for the aid you need.”
No amount to preparing could save me from the feeling of the floor falling from under my feet at his request.
“You’re not serious.” Is the only thing that I can come up with because he can’t possibly be. Can he?
“I’m deadly serious.” He says. The smirk is gone and has been replaced by a look of earnesty.
“Of all the things that you could ask of me? Money, weapons, magic. And you want my hand?” I laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. “I came into this meeting prepared to give you one or all all of those things. But marriage? I don’t know if I can do that.” As soon as it’s out of my mouth I curse myself. How selfish can one person be? There are people dying and my only concern is my feelings. Self hatred hits me like a fist straight in the chest.
Ferris looks like he expected my response. “Ji, I understand your reservations. I do. But this will benefit us both.” No one has called me Ji in years. Logically, I know that all of this could be a manipulation tactic. Using our past to coax me into doing whatever he wishes. My heart flutters anyways.
A marriage would mean an end to this siege. His armies are the strongest on the continent. They have some of the most powerful magic weilders in the entire world. The trade would allow the economy to flourish. It would usher in a new era of prosperity.
I close my eyes. I know what needs to be done. My heart is the only thing that will be caught in the crossfire of this proposed marriage. Duty has driven my entire life and duty drives my decision now.
“I know. I’ll do it.” I want to cry as I say it, I can’t tell if the tears would be happy or sad. “I’ll do it.” I repeat, cementing the decision.
