They say forgiveness is a virtue, but I’d rather keep my anger.
I’d rather yell at you until I’m purple. Scream the words I know will hurt you. Be brave and bold, covered in rage.
Because I know the day I feel it, I’ll drown in sorrow. Anger, I can do. But to be hurt, and to forgive, I dont have the strength to survive that. And I’d rather keep my anger.
Was it that like?
Responding to a text and putting it out of your mind. Me? I spend ten minutes on just one text. Reply, re-reread, rehearse, repeat. Until I’ve drilled it into my mind. Well, I wouldn’t want to miss any details, wouldn’t want to have you think I ignored you, or get the date and time of our next hangout wrong.
Getting an invite and acknowledging it only once to know it’s been put into your calendar? Me? I check it at least four times. In all my calendars and all my notes, reminders, and messages. So make that sixteen times.
Tell me - what is that like? The ease of your day without a second thought to every minute of every day. If you’ve missed something. If you’ve gotten something wrong. Or let someone down.
Give me one day of your life. To know within my brain AND my heart - that it’s all going to be okay. That I don’t need to check a million times.
Give me just one minute of your day. So I know what it’s like. To walk in the door and lock the door just once, not four times. To turn the lights off and go the bed, without triple checking my lights, stove, doors. To leave a place without counting the corners of every room.
You’ll never know what it’s like. It’s obsessive. It’s compulsive. Really, you’ll never know what it’s like.
Please, I’m begging you. Give me a life, a day, a moment where I can breathe easy, feel free.
Ah, January. A breath of fresh air.
February. Eh, feels like Tuesday.
March is hopeful. Anticipating something good.
Don’t forget April showers.
Finally, May flowers. The moment we’ve been waiting for.
June. Yup, this is what I’m talking about.
Hey, July. I’ve been waiting for you. It’s the second half.
So many conflicting feelings in August.
Mourning summer and awaiting the fall. September - the in-between period.
October. The final quarter.
Busy, busy November. Holidays, shopping, cooking. Not a second to catch my breath.
And how did we get here, December?
