The moment I’ve been waiting for. I used to dream of the shiny ocean waves right in front of my face. I’ve once imagined how the stars in Greece would look like. What it would be like to feel so… grounded. Present. And now I’m here. I take a deep breath in. How could anyone question whether or not It’s worth leaving their small town for? Nothing else feels this way. I would never know the boundless hills in Ireland, or the colors of Peru if I never left. The world is not only made for discovery of culture and nature, but discovery of self.

“Will you just tell me you love me already?” I ask with a grin to show that I’m only teasing. Of course, I only partly mean it. He would never know that though, unless he actually tells me. The panic that flashes through his irises tells me everything I need to know. My heart sinks. I push out a laugh that even a child could see through, and lean forward. “Josh, I was only kidding… Gosh, like being in love with me would be the worst case scenario.” His dark eyes widen. “Tess, no that’s not where my… I uh- there are things that… how do I say this…?” “I get it, Josh, I do. Life’s complicated, you’re not ready for, for whatever this is, and we’re just going in two different life directions. I’ve heard it before. But really, no need for the speech, because, like I said, it was a joke.” It’s almost is painful how humiliating this is. Obviously, I regret the joke. “No, Tess. Just listen for a second.” I wait. He stares at me a moment before blowing out a puff of air. He runs a hand through his dark hair and looks out the restaurant window. Okay… this is odd. Maybe he’s married. Has four kids in the Hamptons and needs me to babysit for him. That’d be awkward. Asking your girlfriend of six months to babysit your kids… No, it can’t be that. Maybe he’s gay. “Look, Josh, I’m sorry, I should’ve never made that silly joke. Obviously, we are moving at a great place, and we should continue to let things happen organically. I shouldn’t have even said anything.” “I’m him.” His eyes meet mine in a firm stare. No room for hesitation. But I frown. “You’re who?” “The one in the news. The vigilante… the so called ‘superhero’. It’s me. I’m the one… doing these things.” I blink. My mind hasn’t caught up with my ears yet. Perhaps I’m dreaming. Or he’s dreaming and I’m just meeting him there. Don’t know how that would work, but who knows these days? Weren’t we just talking about the basketball game we’re going to see next week?
“Oh.” Is all I can manage this moment. “Are you okay?” Concern fills his features. He reaches out to touch my hand, but seems to think better of it. He pulls it back to his drink. “Mhm.” My tone sounds too high pitched. I mean, technically, this isn’t a bad thing per say… he’s saving the city… it’s a pretty noble job. If anything, I should be proud of him. Excited. Nervous for his safety. But exhilarated. I look back up at him. “I have a lot of questions.” Relief floods his features now that I’m saying actual sentences again. “Anything.” We are about to really get into this. But, first things first, “But actually, Are you in love with me though?” He laughs, his whole face shining, and nods. He grabs my hands and kisses each knuckle. “Tess, yes. I should’ve just said it right away, but I was too anxious about… the other thing. I am in love with you. Very much so.” I grin and squeeze his hands. “And I’m in awe of your bravery. I love you too. Thank you for sharing your secret with me.”

I thought I’d gotten over this. David was right. I do hold grudges. Damnit. I was supposed to be the peaceful one, the one who forgave and forgot. Obviously THAT won’t be happening anytime soon. I swear if he gives me that tone again, I’m going to… I’m going to tell him off, that’s what I’m going to do. I should’ve fought for myself more instead of just taking it. Next time, maybe I’ll say something like, “If you’re so perfect, why don’t you reach out to your parents whom you’ve been avoiding for the past two years? Remember them? They’ve only fed you, took care of you, kept you ALIVE for the past thirty years!” I shake my head. No. I’m better than this. If only that burning pit in my chest could just scatter. Inhale, exhale. But if he just DIDN’T use that tone with me!

I then jump. His words, laced with hurt and betrayal, fall down the side of the building with me. They flow and wrap themselves around every limb I own until fully scorched to my bones. “He knows. He knows. They all know.” I squeeze my eyes closed against the burn of tears and I let myself imagine this free fall ending in a sweet death. A silent darkness. But the gear I’m attached to prevents my crash, and as my feet hit the pavement, I immediately unstrap myself and take off running. I jump into the nearest taxi and give them an address a few blocks away from my safe house. I exhale and close my eyes. This is just part of the job. They will never understand why I do what I do. They’ll only ever see me as a monster. It never bothered me before. Until now. Until this city. Until him. The city lights shine in the background as we near the location. “Here is fine, thank you.” I quietly order. I slap a wad of cash in the taxi drivers hand and walk out, tucking my hands in my sweatshirt pockets as I head towards my home. The sigh is inward as I mentally prepare myself for another move. Another assignment. Another life. I didn’t choose this life. I was born into it. Now I know no other way of living. Or, as I’ve started to call it, slowly dying.