You cross my mind at night as i lay myself to rest. “If things were different and I was in a better place.” Wrong. You were consumed by your absolute of what you wanted. What you wanted was not me. But you kept me as a place holder. Throwing crumbs as a token of appreciation of my efforts. But they were never enough, were they?
The clouds are capturing the light, The garden that surrounds me is green and vibrant, The cars parked are covered by little droplets of rain, The ground is clean, but worn. The lights are dim, but noticeable.
My clothes feel fitted onto my body. My hair is tightly pulled back out of my face. My bracelets are slightly too tight on my wrist. My socks are on perfectly, just how I need them.
I can hear the birds chirping, The rustling of the trees with the wind, The crisp sound of airplanes cutting through the air.
The aroma of the rain on the pavement is overwhelming. The fresh cut grass is filling the air.
The taste of the coffee is calming my senses, Everything is okay.
It has happened so many times. My mind and body, A war zone. I can’t help myself, clearly, But each time it’s too late. The first time it happens, You blame yourself. Like if you did something different it wouldn’t have happened. It probably wouldn’t have happened, To you. That day. But it would have happened to someone else. Because what you fail to realize is that it’s not about you. Terrible people do terrible things. You just happened to be the unlucky one. Once the pattern of self doubt has taken root, It’s nearly impossible to recover. “Was it my fault?” “Did I lead them to think..?” Absolutely not. Falling into false lenses of self worth are kryptonite for the abused. Do not let them have the satisfaction of false power over you. The only one who can take back that power is you. You decide how to move forward. You decide how to trust again. It is not your fault. Because if you let that day hold power over you, It affects your ability to love yourself And others. And if you can’t do either, Who’s left to trust?
Every day seems the same. It’s the new age kind of love. Working for ourselves and looking down on the one who is losing the race of success. Together but separate. It’s an anxious kind of love. Messy and unkempt like an old oak tree. Each branch reaching for the light, But it gets lost in the growth and loses direction. When we are together, I forget I’m growing. It feels like we just place holders until we admit that we are too different. It’s harder to be alone than to be with someone who fills the void. So we wait. Until we finally admit that our time is up, And it is time to unpause our stories.
How does one truly understand someone? Complex and multi leveled like high rises in the city Doors closed and walls taller that what can be comprehended As time moves, you can open new doors and explore, But you never get the full picture A beautiful idea of a soul trapped in concrete I know you existed in your true form once, Luscious and magnificent The true sight of what is pure You may think that these walls coming down is a tragedy Like my adoration is a great calamity So I wait Watch Chip away at everything that makes you so afraid to love So that one day, you can see me as I see you No buildings, no walls, no windows, Just absolutely breathtaking.
The warm summer breeze caresses my skin Kissed by the sun, I can feel every piece of my body I can hear the songs of the earth calling to me The grass whispering in my ear, it wants me here I am just but a spec in this natural existence The trees towering over me, swaying with the songs of the unknown I am captivated by you Your smell creeps into my thoughts My existence is consumed by your call You are everything everywhere Suddenly, I am awake I cry out to hear your voice again But now you are a faint memory of what I once had, The universe
