Darren (Vandal) Pushed my sister from her bike. Concrete shock. The blood of my family from an oozey knee. The anger is sparked And spills into my veins. He won’t have peace today. I’m going to kick his hip.

My son has got addicted to Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Well he doesn’t know it’s a Dickens. He thinks it’s a cartoon with a high pitched mouse and a Scottish duck. He loves the Scrooge character, especially when he bosses the other characters around. His mum and I try to point out the unkindness of Scrooge and that the story is really about him seeing the error of his miserly ways. Nursery told us he kept saying “Bah! Humbug!” to the other children at pick up time though.

I reclined on my sun lounger like George Michael in the Club Tropicana video. I completed the crossword: 12 down: Chiwawawa took me three goes to spell the damn thing. The lounger was getting more and more deflated but at least I’d found the corkscrew.

God my teeth are crooked. Haphazard. The front two teeth stare back at me like a motorway chevron. The first time I noticed this wasn’t from a mirror though. It was a banana. The imprint of my bite was like Batman’s logo but instead of in the Gotham sky it sat well-like in the flesh of a fresh banana. Does it matter? I’m self conscious of smiling but that never stops me laughing. It’s nice to see my genuine smile in the mirror because I think if I was someone else, I’d want to have a laugh with me.