Today I took my paint brush and painted over myself, over all my flaws and all that I am. I became a blank canvas, erasing myself from existence with only a couple of strokes. But what I couldn’t erase was what I left behind when I was gone, not the tears that were shed or the sorrow I caused. Nor the long nights of restless sleep many got, and the thousands of questions they asked themselves wondering why. Brothers without a sister, a mother and father without their daughter, a partner without their lover. All of it; Gone. I can’t wake up tomorrow and look up at the stark blue sky ever again, or sit far too long in the car to hear my favorite song. I won’t be there for my best friends wedding, and I’ll never spend another weekend finding random things to do just to spend extra time with my dad. I won’t be able to kiss my partner ever again, or feel the warmth of their embrace as I’m sleeping at night. I can’t spoil my cats with far too many treats and cuddles anymore. All of it, all of you will be left to live in sorrow and wonder. But I will be no more.

Where there once was softness, now all had turned to stone.

Little words Simple gestures Side eyed looks

Suck it up Pretend it doesn’t exist Look the other way

Harsh criticism Slammed doors Indifference

Become numb to it Put your headphones in Acceptance

Holes in walls Bruised skin Hollowed cheeks

Flinch away fast enough Tear stained pillowcases Protruding rib cages

Empty eyes Deathly hands on my neck Screaming echoing

Dirt packed all around me Quiet and lonely Slow and deadly

You Never Asked, But… I wore your jacket to bed for weeks straight after you lent it to me. I stayed up late writing to you in my journal as if you’d ever read it. On the days I showed up for school it was just to see you. It’s been ten years and I still feel the tingling in my fingertips from when yours touched mine. I held onto you for far longer than acceptable when you’d hug me, just to feel the beat of your heart against my chest. I kept every note you ever wrote me in an old snowman Christmas box, scared to open it and create a larger hole in my chest. When I visited you at your job that day I wished my boyfriend at the time would’ve stayed behind, maybe I would’ve told you how I felt. The day you asked me if you should give her a chance and I told you yes, I cried myself to sleep that night full of shame in not opening up to you. When you told me you proposed to her I selfishly hoped it’d fall through, and I could stop longing for you. The day you got married I was already broken, but that day shattered me.

You Never Asked, But… I thought I’d be happy when you and her broke up, but it hurt to see you so broken. I no longer could keep my feelings to myself and even though it wasn’t the perfect time I’m glad you knew. No one has ever lived up to what you have always made me feel.

You Never Asked, But… The night you kissed me for the first time I finally understood why it never worked out with anyone else.

Meek and naive - Withering Eighteen and problem some - Crumbling Surrounded yet lonely - Eroding Attention seeking behavior - Wasting Away The center of any room - Deteriorating Desperate for love - In ruins Low standards - Fading

Powerful and Intelligent - Strong Twenty Eight and caring - Flourishing Loved and loving - Growing Thoughtful Individual - Thriving Wholesome friend - Building Desperate to love myself - Prospering Boundary setter - Recovering

Blankets shrouded my mirrors, Covering them to elude myself of my image. Papers scattered my desk top with dozens of numbers to mark each molecule entering my Physique. I lived amass a dark cold existence for far too many years to count. But anew, I take pride in my face, my rosy cheeks, and elegant nose. I don’t count anymore but take pride in cooking daily. Life is no longer dreary and I am no longer earthed.

He used violent strokes when he did his best work, Throwing back his arms and flicking his wrists flinging vibrant red across the canvas. The colors would dance in rhythm with each other, splattering in unique structures and shapes. Beads of sweat would drip down the bridge of his up turned nose in requiem for the effort. His eyes heated by the effort bent on the latest masterpiece, they burned holes into the canvas. He braced his legs apart leaning into his strokes, and one after another they violated the canvas with tangible results. Red was his favorite color and it encompassed itself in this piece, until finally not a trace of emptiness remained. Stepping back he brushed sweat from his brow with the back of his hand as he looked down at his crumbled canvas. There I lay in a heap of red broken and battered, he wanted this piece to be his last.

Memory Breathes like a cataclysmic tide With Sharp rocky tendrils reaching out Bent on my demise, I’m shattered through. Slammed against the walls too high to escape, My body wrecks the havoc in a never ending Nightmare. Pulled under into icy salt water, my lungs fill with water instead of the screams I’ve released. There I stay battered and bruised as memory breathes through me endlessly.

I never was an early riser. In fact most nights when I’m alone , I don’t sleep until I see the first rays of light Reflecting through my window. I never minded it much until I laid beside you, Curled up in the safety of your arms. Listening to your soft snores I was lulled to sleep, and just before you woke I found myself mesmerized.

You see, I never was an early riser. But as I lay beside you and I look at your soft and peaceful expressions, I am in awe. I am transfixed into one single moment as I feel the rise and fall of your chest under me, my chin raised just enough to watch the thousands of dreams you have flickering across your face.

I never was an early riser, but if it means I can relive this single moment every day then I will wake just before you.

He calls me his Princess, Though I won’t ever wear a crown. To him, I am royalty and I am worthy. If he had it his way he would build me a thousand castles just to see me smile. Dig a mote and fill it with every creature imaginable, and cast a draw bridge across it and place me on the fairest stead of gelding. He would plant a thousand Sun flowers just below my window knowing all to well they are most favorable to me. Place swans and mallard ducks in the pond across the way so when we go for our morning walk in the park I can feed them, and he can watch the lines grow around my eyes as they dance with laughter. He would plan balls just to see me in my shiniest dress, and then kiss my rosy cheeks after hours of dancing. He would buy the largest most immaculate bed, large enough to fit ten bodies so I can line it up with decorative pillows and satan sheets. I would be lavished in jewels of every nature and have cooks for days because he knows I find joy in eating well. He would do all of that for me, his princess. What he doesn’t already know is that what he’s already done is bring such beauty into my soul, and that I am starting to believe I am truly his princess.

Death is a dear friend of mine, He and I have met on many occasions. I knocked quietly at his door and no matter the hour he always answered for me. I never stayed too long, though in deaths home there is much peace and tranquility. He poured me a cup of tea and patted the chair next to him offering me a seat. He looked tired and worn from perhaps many years of constant visitor, though he never complained. He looked me up and down and shook his head, sternly saying “It’s still not your time my dear.” However I liked it here, time seemed to stand still and nothing held much weight. He passed no judgement and told no lies, listening to the words I left unspoken. “It is lonely here.” He stated, looking about his dark lite room. Many visitors came and went but none stayed long, what a sad feeling to acquire for death my dearest friend. He wiped the tears of my sodden heart and just as I was exiting he looked into my eyes and lightly touched my face saying sternly, “Don’t come back here of your own prevail again.” With that the door clicked shut and like the bolt of lightening I was pulled back into a world where time meant everything.